rants and raves

If I won the lottery.

2012-01-29T20:21:00.003-07:00

Today I was asked what I would do if I won the lottery (considering it was a large payout). I thought about it and here is what I would do:

First, get an attorney and talk to my financial planner. Duh.

Then,

Buy my Dad his Corvette.
Buy cars for my younger sister and my brother.
Pay off my other sister's car and buy her a better house.
Pay off my parent's house.
Help out a few extended family members and friends.
Buy myself a house in a nice quiet part of the country (preferably in the Pacific Northwest).
Buy myself 2 cars, one being a Subaru WRX Sti.
Make sure I would setup with my financial planner that I wouldn't work ever again.
Then travel. Everywhere.
Also, setup a trust for when I die that after any expenses are paid, all monies are given away.

That's what I would do.

What would you do?

In the year 2011...

2011-12-18T19:35:00.001-07:00

Woo, what a year. I did this:

1. Quit my job.
2. Started a new one.
3. Rode a roller coaster of life.
4. Had a good time.
5. Lost 40 pounds.
6. Survived the ride of life.
7. Talked a lot about a lot to a lot of people.
8. Lost/Gained.
9. Finished writing for my year long writing project because...
10. I turned 30!
11. Had the best birthday ever! Really, turning 30 was the best thing I ever did.
12. Decided that so far, my goal for this year is accomplished.
13. Decided that next year, 2012, I will do more and my goal is to:
14. Continue on a path of self-improvement both physically (30 more pounds! and even better shape) and...
15. Complete an Associate's Degree (my second one), this time in Accounting.
16. Also, this year, I enjoyed being. It was good just being able to be:
17. Home.
18. Around and there for friends here and there.
19. Able to do things I wouldn't normally do because I was gone like:
20. Seeing some amazing bands play live: St. Vincent, Fleet Foxes, Bon Iver, Damien Jurado, Viva Voce and Wild Flag. Here's to more great music next year.

Thanks to everyone. You all made my year. You all know who you are. There is not a "no thanks" list as I am beyond grateful to everyone at all times and in all ways. I hope I was as good as a friend/person to all of you.

A special thanks goes to "Her" because "She" made me grow up and in ways I never thought I would. A complete challenge in every way. Thank you for everything, you made it all worthwhile. You really did. Words cannot express my gratitude. You honestly kept me alive. Thank you.

May 2012 be even better. Here's to that!

November 23, 2011. 8:39PM

2011-11-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

This is a crosspost from Book #10 at Liberty Market where this is also written as ink on a page:

Today, I left something behind, my best friend. Things got way too fucked up with her and I had to cut her from my life. I couldn't take it anymore. Everyone says I made a good descision. I need to focus on myself. Maybe they're right. And, so go I. Alone. Again. Away from my best friend. Sad am I. Just sad. I know many tears will be shed but it is all for the best. I was her best friend, the one who knew her better than any other. But she broke my heart and left me for another. Just so sad it came to this. I wish it hadn't. Maybe we'll be friends again. 13 years just doesn't go completely away. Hope is eternal and maybe after I find myself after this, she'll be there as my friend again. I hope so. I will miss her, I know. She was it for me. Now, I have to let her go for me. No one said it would be easy. But for now, it is finished. I cried as I said goodbye. She said, until we meet again. So true. Dear friend, I hope to see you again one day. Until then...

Twenty. Ten.

2010-12-28T17:52:00.003-07:00

Well, 2010 was a year. A year of amazing experiences for sure, full of lost time, missed connections, re-connections and deepening friendships and relationships. For this, I am grateful to many people, mainly you, the reader and especially those of you who either "friend me" on Facebook or "follow me" on Twitter. I am grateful to you all. Some of you are more important than others and you know who you are.

This year also saw projects begin and end in my relentless pursuit of bettering myself and my pursuit of learning who I am and how I can use that knowledge to create not only a better environment for myself but creatively too. I've started writing everyday (mostly) in a journal to help map myself out. It's (mostly) working. If anything, it's a fine experiment. I still am taking a photo a day (mostly) and that is something I still enjoy as it is a reminder of what I have done, even if it seems insignificant. I am thinking about how much further I can still stretch my creativity, so at the beginning of this upcoming year I am going to go through the book "The Artist's Way". I am pretty excited about that. I want to see how much more I can learn.

This next year is also going to be one of a milestone too, my 30th birthday. Wow. As much as it seems like I don't feel that old or don't seem that old, I will be. I am pretty excited as I hope by that time I will be able to figure things out a bit more on what I want to achieve in my life. I also hope to figure that out in my pursuit of a more creative me. I am excited too as I have a few things up my sleeve that I will continue to think about pursuing too. I hope for lots of personal growth in the coming year.

All in all, a good year. Weather's been rough, time's been tough, but I've made it through to another day everyday. I have made it. I am glad.

And of course, here are some of my favorite things of 2010:

Music:
Best album: MGMT "Congratulations"
Runners up: Damien Jurado "Saint Bartlett" (just barely)
Best EP: Damien Jurado & Richard Swift "Other People's Songs" Get it FREE here: http://http://otherpeoplessongs.tumblr.com/
Best song: "Hello Sunshine" from the EP listed above

People that deserve to be mentioned: Joe, Cindy, David, Kiersten, Anthony, Courtney, Erich, Kristen, Chantel, Brian, Mike and Reese. Thank you. And as always, thanks to my wonderful parents and my siblings. I have the greatest family. Ever.

46 States, 4 Countries, 2 Continents

2010-08-26T08:58:00.005-07:00

This is the extent of my travels so far in my life. I know I am young (really, 29 is young), but I really still have such a strong desire to almost conquer the world as it were. I am almost done traveling all of these great lower 48 states (with only Maine and Rhode Island left) by driving a truck, which, although it is a job, it's still a blast. Being able to have the opportunity to go places is so great. But still, I want more and I'm not sure where this is necessarily coming from and I don't know what to do and how to use it to some sort of benefit, which is what I do want to do. I have friends that live overseas as Christian missionaries. Am I to be doing that? (Sorry, but probably not.) All I know is I want to travel. Every time I read about someone traveling somewhere or hear about it, I just get so jealous. It is almost I feel as if I don't use the opportunity to travel, I'll lose it. Now, I understand people I know are extremely jealous of my own travels (although I sometimes don't get it as to me this is a job). I think, to me at least, it seems like this desire was drilled into my subconscious and it is slowly to come to life. Let me explain. When I was little I had a piece of paper hanging on my wall with my name and definition of my name and a Bible verse to match that definition. Mine was labeled "traveler". For the record, I never really wanted to travel until I moved to Arizona and even more now I got the job I have now. No real desire until I saw the world that there was to explore. This world is amazing, truly a spectacular place worth exploring. Also, when I was little, I had more than a few people tell me that I was supposed to be a missionary. I was told that so often. but as for now, I'm not really willing to serve in that capacity. However if it is for something else, say a humanitarian group, that's fine, I'm not a strong practicer of religion any more. I really just wish i could figure this whole thing out. One thing I have to do is stop reading travel stories, stop watching travel stories, stop listening to travel stories. It is getting quite annoying.

What Am I Listening To?

2009-09-02T18:42:00.005-07:00

Doing what I do, I get this question a lot. Because I do need to pass the time doing something and I do listen to a lot of stuff. First off, I do not listen to commercial radio. Ever. I don't care, I have better things to do than listen to bunch of commercials. Second, if there is an NPR station within my truck's antenna's reach, I'm listening to it. If not, it's iPod or the few CD's I've brought with me. Because with over 14,000 songs I can possibly load onto my iPod, I hardly can run out of music. But mostly, I am listening to podcasts, most of which are public radio programs that I miss or want to hear again. Here is the list (in no particular order):

CBC Radio 3 New Music Canada Track of the Day from the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation     radio3.cbc.ca

The Dinner Party Download (KPCC)     dinnerpartydownload.com

The iTunes Weekly Rewind     itunes.com/weeklyrewind

KCRW's Guest DJ Project     kcrw.com
KCRW's Morning Becomes Eclectic
KCRW's Today's Top Tune

KEXP Song of the Day     kexp.org

Marketplace from American Public Media (APM)     marketplace.org
Marketplace Morning Report from APM
Marketplace Money from APM
Marketplace After The Bell from APM

The Monocle Weekly     monocle.com

MPR: The Current Song of the Day     thecurrent.org

The New York Times Popcast     nytimes.com/ref/mutlimedia/podcasts.html

NPR: All Songs Considered Podcast     npr.org/allsongs
NPR: Live Concerts from All Songs Considered
NPR: Second Stage from All Songs Considered

NPR: Car Talk Podcast     cartalk.com

NPR: Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me Podcast     npr.org/waitwait

NPR: World Cafe: Next from WXPN     worldcafe.npr.org

ON The Media (WNYC and NPR)     onthemedia.org

PRI's The World: Global Hit     theworld.org/global-hit

Savage Love Podcast     savagelove.net (Warning: Hilarious, but SEXUALLY EXPLICIT!)

Studio 360 with Kurt Andersen (WNYC and PRI)     studio360.org

Wired Playlist Audio Podcast (Wired Magazine)     wired.com/underwire

WNYC's Radio Lab (WNYC and NPR)     radiolab.org

All of these can be found on the Podcasts page in iTunes.

I also randomly tweet either song titles or artists too here: twitter.com/scottaak. And I also have a last.fm page too, last.fm/scottak.

Any other questions? Leave a comment here or send me a tweet.

Let's be honest here.

2009-05-15T16:33:00.005-07:00

First off, I don't care.

I don't care about places, people or things.

I don't care about you, me, myself, and/or I.

I don't care about your dog/cat/hamster/gerbil/lizard/snake/fish/iguana/lemur/sloth/ferret.

I don't care about your job/life/relationship/sex/creed/nationality/gender/sexual orientation.

I don't care about your views on politics/religion/spots/news/business/opinion.

I don't care about how you may think the world will end/how you think the world should be run/how "if it was my world, I would do this."

I don't care if the sky is falling.

I don't care.

Seriously, I don't care because of this one reason: IT DOES NOT MATTER. And a second reason: YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS LIFE AND THERE IS MOST LIKELY SOMEONE WHO HAS HAD A NEARLY SIMILAR EXPERIENCE TO WHAT YOU HAVE HAD IN LIFE THEY ONLY HAD A DIFFERENT REACTION TO IT BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT YOU.

Ahem, thank you for your time.

Rule 34 THERE IS PORN OF IT!

2009-03-15T21:23:00.006-07:00

Taken at the breezeway of the Lattie H. Coor Hall at Arizona State University near the Computing Commons.

Flickr, Tumblr and TweetDeck

2009-03-15T10:56:00.006-07:00

First, I now post one picture that I try to take whenever I have time. This is truly a challenge as I don't have any time nor anything interesting to photograph most days. Link: http://tinyurl.com/scottspictureaday

Second, I have now linked the Picture A Day feed, these blog posts, my twitter account (http://twitter.com/scottaak) and my last.fm account (http://last.fm/user/scottak) into one page on Tumblr at http://scottak.tumblr.com

Third, using Twitter has been great and I really enjoy it. It has been made even better by using TweetDeck too. It is a very useful tool to use to group everything in a very easy to use interface. http://tweetdeck.com

Fourth, Work still sucks. It is going OK, but getting ridiculous, especially getting stuck in certain places and not getting out or being broke down and being unable to be fixed in a timely manner so I can go and get to work and make money. I also am getting tired of seeing the SAME problems over and over again with no fix that seems to finally solve the issue I have with the breakdown. I like to work, but not like this.

All for now.

The South or: How I Broke Another Promise

2009-01-30T14:07:00.002-07:00

OK, it's official, I really am happy with being an Arizonan. This is something I promised I would NEVER say. I always wanted to come back and live in the place I felt was home. For the record: I still would like too, but it's no longer my primary goal. I feel so out of place here being in the South, it feels strange. But after putting up with hot summers and enjoying pleasant winters and really growing up and becoming aware of the world around me, I have to say I am glad I did it not in the South, but in the West. The culture and attitude is much more relaxing and unproblematic in the West. Plus, it sounds cliche, but the open spaces help too. The next question is: what is next? I don't know and that's OK too. Maybe, I will go back, who knows?

Essay I have to read every day.

2009-01-09T03:03:00.002-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

From the essay "Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young" written by Mary Schmich and published in the Chicago Tribune as a column in 1997. It is also a song by Baz Luhrmann entitled "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)".

2008 in review

2008-12-26T23:30:00.006-07:00

2008, what an amazing, strange, difficult, happy, bad (in a good way) year. I did a lot of things, the world changed, and I went to a lot of places. So, the wrap-up begins:

Personally and work-wise, it was an OK year. I had some misfortunes with work, but overall, it was good. I think I grew up a bit and became more adult-like. I went through 5 phones (1 stolen, 3 broken, and 1 lost). I finally started using my Facebook account I've had since 2006. I sent postcards out regularly to friends and family. I also sold my car to my parents, drove my brother's old beat to crap car, then bought my Dad's car after the one I was driving died. I got to visit two more states (MI and SD), which was great. I now only have 6 left, thank goodness. I still am having problems trying to figure out what my needs / wants / desires are for me, especially in the Future department. That is really hard, so hard, it seems kinda stressful sometimes, but I try to think only in ideas, not necessarily plans. I also started a financial plan to get myself out of debt with the help of my Mom (Thanks!), and that is going very well. I also got to places I've always wanted to go, like New Orleans, which was interesting, to say the least. Some of my other favorite places that I got to this year are: Chicago, the California coast / PCH / Bay Area, the Western half of the US and Eastern Oklahoma in the Fall. Weather-wise work was crazy and I was in just about every kind of weather pattern, including a hurricane (Ike) and its aftermath (which was NOT fun, it was scary). The bad parts of work: 2 expensive tickets, LA, NOLA, the entire state of Texas (except the Big Texan Steak Ranch), working, breakdowns, the fact that nothing I ever do is right and bad weather, especially bad/heavy winds. Good parts: everything else, being a tourist, taking pictures, finding free Wi-Fi, having a laptop, Twitter and my iPod. Favorite foods I had this year: Cafe Du Monde, Big Texan Steak Ranch, Braum's, Steak and Shake, Beef-A-Roo and Red Diamond Sweet Tea, which was the BEST find of them all. I also read and bought the papers in these cities: Chicago; Los Angeles; Riverside, CA; Dallas; Ft. Worth; New Orleans; San Francisco; Portland, OR; Seattle; Little Rock; Memphis; Fresno; Farmington, NM; Dove Creek, CO; Albuquerque; Tucson; Las Cruces, NM; El Paso; Denver; Midland, TX; Kansas City; Omaha; Oklahoma City; Salt Lake City; Reno; Las Vegas; San Jose, CA; San Diego and Cheyenne, WY. I read a lot of paper! I love the news, like an obsession (more on that later). I also listened to a lot too (more on that later too). Overall, the year and I am OK with each other, but I am looking forward to 2009 and getting out of debt or getting closer to that point. I am also looking forward to crossing all 6 states I have left off my list.

It also has been a great year in the music I listen too. I know I am beating a dead horse with this, but this is still the best thing I have ever found: NPR's All Songs Considered, especially the podcast, which is just fantastic and keeps getting better. It is seriously the most entertaining, thoughtful, knowledgeable and thought-provoking music site out there and those of you who do not participate and LOVE music are missing a lot. I have found a lot of music that I just love from these people who run this site, especially this year. I also found music from other podcasts I subscribe too like the song of the day of CBC Radio 3, KCRW, KEXP, MPR's the Current and NPR's Second Stage. I don't have a top ten list or anything like that, although, I do agree largely with the one posted at All Songs Considered, there are a few missing that I had to point out. They are My Brightest Diamond, Damien Jurado, Starflyer 59, Hot Chip, Gnarls Barkley, Dr. Dog and Kanye West, the soundtracks to the movies Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Be Kind Rewind and yes, Katy Perry, but only from her first album of Christian music when she was Katy Hudson. All of these albums are really great. I also got to say I enjoyed these as well very much: She & Him, Neil Young's Harvest, My Morning Jacket's Evil Urges and Justice, which I missed somehow in 2007. Justice's album Cross is THE album to own if you have a car and you LOVE to drive, especially at high rates of speed. I think it should be a standard part of the car. I also enjoy Bob Dylan's Theme Time Radio Hour. It is great. I think this year though has been, at least for me, defined by only single tracks and not albums, which I find unfortunate, but also good as I do enjoy finding out the rest of the album usually it is good too, in most cases.

Thanks go to Facebook and Twitter, for keeping me plugged into others, my family for their love and support, my friends for the same and you for reading this. Finally, a special thanks goes Ms. Kirkland for having a great blog and being my thought and personality doppelgänger. Seriously, it is like I am reading about myself and what I am thinking sometimes.

Hope 2009 is going to be great.

Christmas 2008 - I got some amazing gifts

2008-12-26T22:02:00.005-07:00

This Christmas was definitely a good one. I got a lot of great gifts from my family members. From my parents, I got $100 and a Rubik's Cube and a Page-A-Day Origami Calendar; my sister Sarah, two pillows and two Lego Star Wars bag charms; my sister Melissa, the book I asked for: 1000 Recordings To Hear Before You Die, which is an amazing book if you haven't heard of it already; my brother Matthew, I got one of these: Homade Model BB5002, it is external, battery-less speakers for my iPod, shaped like a 2x6 Lego brick (sadly it is a bit bigger than a Lego piece); my nephew Sean, a friction-powered monster truck; my Grandparents on my Dad's side, Harkins Theatres Gift Card and Barnes & Noble Gift Card; my Grandparents on my Mom's side, Walmart Gift Card. I also got lots of the usual things in my stocking like an orange, personal hygiene products, chocolate. I also got this in my stocking too: Coffee! The Card Game. Very interesting. I also got more cash and a Starbucks Gift Card. I was really excited this year with all the great things I got and am very thankful not only to receive, but to give gifts to my family members too and I am glad they enjoyed the gifts I bought them. I also am glad I was home too. Christmas dinner, which consisted of lamb and ham, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn and peas and rolls was good and was also attended by my siblings' (Melissa and Matthew) significant others. It was nice to finally meet them. I also had a very good breakfast too with cinnamon rolls and stöllen. Overall, a great day.

Oh, and I love this video...

2008-12-03T23:28:00.002-07:00

About Me (or just a bunch of PostSecret postcards)

2008-12-03T21:35:00.015-07:00

I am a Florida-born, North Carolina-raised Christian private school educated (except for senior year) Arizonan. I drive a truck, for now, all over the country. I like music, public radio, movies, books, Wired magazine and Monocle magazine. I would like to travel more internationally. I have been to 42 states by truck, with ME, NH, VT, RI, DE, and FL left. I think my job is kinda OK, kinda pointless, kinda great, mostly OK though. I would like to open up either a coffee shop/bookstore/record store or a combination of all 3 sometime in the future. I would like to finish school. I think people do not pay enough attention and really listen. I forget a lot now that I'm older. I wouldn't trade any of my life experiences for a different life. I would like to move back to North Carolina one day. I want to visit all 7 continents. I am conflicted as I love/hate everything/nothing all at the same time/none of the time. I also enjoy great food at the restaurants of Joe Johnston (Joe's Farm Grill, Joe's Real BBQ and Liberty Market). I wish I could emulate his success or his style. I also enjoy Stinkweeds and wish I had the drive that Kimber Lanning does to change Phoenix for the better. I use a PC, but I do like Macs, and am well-versed in both. I really just like the best things or what I believe/perceive to be the best things. I am a constant product evangelist and will promote your place, but only if I like it. I wish I had a simpler life. I have a very extensive digital life with lots of virtual real estate being used. I LOVE technology and the Internet and think it is still the best invention the world has ever seen. I miss four seasons, I only get 2 now, REALLY HOT and not so hot/cool. I don't really like snow. I like stable environments. I have conflicts with what religion means to me and has meant to me. I wish I could change things or have more control. I DO NOT LIKE/SUPPORT: excessive drinking, smoking, gambling or any other vice. I hate people who complain. I hate bad drivers. I love my family and will/would do anything to help any one of them out. I love to help. I would like to volunteer more. I hate that I let myself be controlled by people. I really like the Pacific Coast more than the Atlantic or Gulf coasts. I wish I had more time. I wish I had more control of self. I do not like it when people misspell things intentionally. I like to send text messages. I do not like the states of California or Texas. I once had my life planned out, then I moved the next year. I wish I had graduated at the school I had went to since the third grade. I miss my friends I left behind. I am ambidextrous and can write with both hands at the same time, it is hard though. I listen to a lot of podcasts while driving or NPR or Pacifica Radio. I own a lot of music on all kinds of formats ranging from the 30's to the most recent releases. I have a quarter of what I own loaded on my iTunes library and it is just over 13,000 tracks. I have volunteered in the past for St. Vincent de Paul but stopped going after people were yelling/complaining at me about the stuff that I gave them for FREE. I would like to be married and have kids one day. I want to experience more. I just want everyone to be happy and get along. I want people to realize that this is the only life we get and to make it count and that you should be allowed to do whatever you want because you only get one of these things called a life. I use the following Internet properties/objects/sites and technologies: Flickr, Blogger, Bloglines, Gmail, npr.org/allsongs, iTunes, BitTorrent, YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, kottke.org, Myspace, Wikipedia, VLC Media Player, last.fm, eBay, del.icio.us, and Hulu. I favorite TV shows are Dick Van Dyke, The Office, Freaks and Geeks, Arrested Development, F Troop, Get Smart, Scrubs and Cowboy Bebop. My favorite movie of all time is All The Real Girls by director David Gordon Green, written by David Gordon Green and Paul Schnieder, starring Paul Schneider, Zooey Deschanel, Shea Whigham, Danny R. McBride, Patricia Clarkson, Maurice Compte and Benjamin Mouton. It is the simply the best movie ever made. I think birthdays are your personal holidays and should be treated as such. I do not like holidays in general, except for Thanksgiving and Christmas, because there is actual meaning to these days. I always like to know what is going on. I find the most obscene and offensive things funny. I swear just a bit too much, should try to stop. I get lost, but can find a way out every time. I sometimes think that people should find me cooler than I probably am. I wish I was healthier. The first song I got in trouble for listening to was "Award Tour" by A Tribe Called Quest on the radio, my parents didn't want me listening to hip hop. I thought it was amazing, especially the jazz samples they used on that song, just a brilliant song. I have had a job where I had a very political environment and to my surprise, I found it boring. I have worked 7 different jobs and never worked over 3 years at any of them. I wish I had better ideas. I have been to 4 different schools and have 1 degree. My two favorite bands are Radiohead and Starflyer 59. These are my favorites only because they have influenced all my other music choices I have ever made in my life. I want to grow old and be able to be on of those people who live in 3 centuries. I my life I have seen a lot change and a lot stay the same. I love sunshine, but I love the night too. I like pleasant weather. I love my friends and wish I could see them more. I wish I could people I dated in the past more. I am largely content with what i have in my life, but I still sometimes want more. I want to experience America as an American who lives abroad. I argue with people who call in on radio talk shows. I am not conservative. I am not liberal. I care about people I don't even really know. I think I typed too much, but this seems therapeutic and cathartic. I will never tire from watching Pixar movies. I find Facebook strange, especially when my Mom has an account and I can read WAY into people's lives about things I don't need to know about. I like being "up to date" and "in the know". I hope I don't repeat myself in this post. I like responsibility. I wish I had at least a girlfriend so my grandmother would stop bugging me about it. I can't believe how fast/slow time goes, it is relative. I am wondering, like the rest of the Truman Show viewers, How's It Going To End? I have learned the piano and guitar and can still read music. I wish I could speak more languages. I have regrets. I should finish this post. I wish I got the Golden Ticket. I love my nephew. I love my sisters. I love my brother. I love my Mom. I love my Dad. I enjoy the fact that I can talk to people on a global scale, which is something I thought I would never do. I have done a lot of things I thought I would never do. I learn so much every day. I grew up with my family as my friends, as I lived in the middle of nowhere, walled off from society at large. I went to church 6 days a week, because my school was there too. I grew up a very strict black/white seeing conservative, there was no gray to be seen. I wish I had a faster car. I wish I could go. I wish I could write a great finishing statement to this post, but I keep on thinking of more to write. Sometimes, I think I have too much. I read a lot of people's personal blogs. I DO NOT LIKE YAHOO. I love celebrity gossip. I think everything is fine in the world, just some things are too hyped up and some things will never change as long as there are egos and ids to be offended or stepped on. I have lived in a constant state of change, so I so I do not think I can say that I do not like it, because life is change. I sometimes do wonder what would have happened if I hadn't moved from North Carolina. I think some of the things I have done in life are terrible, especially to others. I am looking for the next big break. I love the unknown. I love baseball and have seen it at every level that exists in the professional leagues. The basketball league for the high school I went to played against the high school that Tracy McGrady went to. I like the cut and paste feature in computing software. I sometimes (if I have the time) enjoy blogging. I can get bored easily. I think the ACC is the best conference. I can't eat seafood, I get sick. I will probably keep editing this post as I have done it 4 times now in the past 5 minutes. I also like the films of Michel Gondry and Michael Kaufman, who are two amazing geniuses of storytelling. This is my 80th post. Sometimes, I feel like I've been lied to my entire life. I hate advertising, though, I admit sometimes it does work. I love Theme Time Radio with Bob Dylan. I hate wasting electricity/leaving lights on. I like to see the environment managed better. I feed my brother's dog a waffle every morning I wake up when I am home. I LOVE HIGH FIVES! I love really good hugs. I am ending this post? This is officially an open-ended blog post and will come back to it from time to time and write in things I want to write, so "no" is the answer I'm looking for. Additions since original post: I have only been to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. Sometimes, I think I am too slow in taking things in.

Things I am thankful for:

2008-11-27T23:46:00.003-07:00

1. A job. Yes, even though there are days I do not like it at all, or I wish I was doing something else, I still have one.

2. My family, especially my Mom, who has increasingly become my most ardent help in just about any situation, especially financially. Also, my Dad, especially when we talk about how dumb our jobs are. Also my siblings too.

3. My friends, especially Josh and Lindsey, because without my friends, where would I be?

4. The unknown.

5. A delicious Thanksgiving dinner made by my sisters and my Mom.

6. That I made it home in time to enjoy it all.

No time

2008-11-17T17:53:00.002-07:00

First, I haven’t written on here in a long time, but like my buddy Adam’s blog King Kolob I do still love my blog. It’s just that I don’t have the time to keep this updated all the time. So this will be a big, long post.

Second, the sun is still rising, even after the election of Barack Obama. OK, so I am kidding, but seriously after listening, reading and watching news from all over this country, and in every viewpoint, it is a great thing to finally see an end to this un-seemingly long election cycle. I do commend Obama on his win, even if I didn’t vote for him. Yes, I voted for McCain, as I do not agree with the policies of Obama, nor do I think that they will realistically be enacted anyway. I did also vote for McCain knowing full well that he would not be the winning candidate, especially with the unpopularity of the current administration and the election of 2006 as a marker that a change was going to come. I do find it particularly interesting, however, though that as America (may)be going left, the rest of the world is shifting to the right. Leaders are being elected from the more conservative side in the most recent elections around the world. Also, I seriously do not think that most of what Obama and his administration is promising will not happen. I still do not think that a health care plan will pass, because the money just isn’t there, nor will the tax cuts, again the money just isn’t there. I really also do not think that “Change” will be too much either, unless it is just a change back to the same old Democratic policies from old, especially when the same operatives and old standby leaders from the Clinton administration come back to work in Washington. I do understand that some things will change, but that is a part of life as life is all about change and evolution. One interesting side note is that I was also seen as an anomaly by a friend of mine. She said she couldn’t understand why I was not voting for Obama because I liked good food, art, “indie music”, public radio, etc., which are apparently things that only followers of Obama like. But then I was looking through my friends on Facebook and I found plenty of these “anomalies”, so I am not the only one. I just like only the good things in life (or what I perceive to be the good things). One thing I also have to say about the election is how annoying the way the Republican campaign was run. The mismanagement did help to the loss. This was, in some ways, the same campaign that was run again McCain himself back in 2000. I did not like how the centrist McCain shifted to the right (just as some leftists have hated that Obama went and continues to go to the center) and the pick of Palin. While I do think that picking her was wrong in so many ways, the main reason was that she seemed like a “me too” pick as if just to be a distraction from the actual campaign. I also didn’t like that her brand of conservatism, but I do agree that she was mistreated and misrepresented. This election I decided to look beyond social conservatism and the idea that a religion test (real or not) should be a test. I also refused to be a partisan, even if the religious conservatives are partisans, or seem to be. This I cannot stand. I am really tired of seeing religion used. It is wrong, just wrong. I do also have to say that I am not sure where I may stand politically anymore either, as I do not necessarily associate with either party and do vote for both in every election. I have shifted myself in a more center-left direction, but I think I am just moving to a more realistic view of the world. I have shifted to be a social moderate and fiscal conservative, with an emphasis on peace. I do not know what that makes me. Some people would say that is a Blue Dog Democrat, some say Libertarian. They may be right, but I am a Republican, as that is my family line and heritage. I really just want fiscal responsibility and jurisprudence. That’s it. Spend as you’d like, but please be able to pay for what you want. You do that, you get my vote. Of course, reality proves otherwise, as it is just impossible for that to happen, especially when this country has 306 million people living in it, making it the 3rd most populous. We will have to spend. Overall, I think this country will be fine and not much is going to change, I just hope Obama does well.

I have also been spending some time thinking, like I always do. I recently have been talking to friends via Facebook and Twitter about my job and how it is going. Overall, it is going OK. I do enjoy it and am content in my job, even if I sometimes do not like it at all. But I am always thinking about the next step and right now that is the hardest part. I have written about this in this blog plenty of times about what I think I should do. I still don’t know. I would like to go back to school, but I am still not sure what for. It would be my 5th (yes, that is right) time going to school. I do have an associate’s degree but not anything I can do much with. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I definitely do not want to do this job forever as it is patently unhealthy, both physically and mentally. I do wish I could get my Bachelor’s degree and then do something on a more international basis. That is my wish. I would also like to travel my own country first, which is being facilitated by this job, especially with the advent of me getting two more states crossed off my list of 48, South Dakota and Michigan. After I get to (from top to bottom) Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Rhode Island, Delaware, and Florida, then I will definitely be looking to do an online school like AZUN, which is the Arizona University Network, or maybe even go back to ASU itself. I don’t know. I mean, I do like what I do, it’s just that I do want to do “something” with my life, mainly for my own self-satisfaction. But I also want to be able to help others in that process too, I have friends that are Christian missionaries / humanitarian aid workers and I am rather jealous / envious of their position and I would like to be doing something similar one day. That is one reason I do approve of Obama’s election, as he is supposed to enlarge the Peace Corps program under his administration, which would be great, because I would sign up as I am eligible, but unsure if that is what I should do. I would also like for someone to go with me too to share in the experience. What the future may hold, I don’t know.

The words of wisdom I am holding to though are from the best comedian, in my view, Bill Hicks. His view of life as “just a ride” is very true and one that I need to hold to. Especially as people take life way too seriously, I need to be reminded that I only get one of these (that I know of), it’s temporary and short and I need to take care of it and have fun living it and not worrying about it.

Also, if you don’t know, I am twittering (tweeting?) where I am and random things I see and landmarks too. If you have an idea or suggestion of a place for me to go, send me a tweet letting me know. I also send postcards, and you can e-mail me your address so I can send some your way from all over this great land of ours.

In a few posts from now is of course the 2008 roundup and this year is also going to be a musical one with a real playlist to download of music I found interesting this year., mostly from albums that were released this year. In the meantime, I do have to recommend these podcasts (all can be found in iTunes) to find new music: KEXP Song of the Day, MPR: The Current Song of the Day, NPR’s Second Stage, CBC Radio 3 New Music Canada Track of the Day and KCRW‘s Today‘s Top Tune. Other music podcasts I recommend are NPR’s All Songs Considered and All Songs Considered Live Concert, Tuned In with Nic Harcourt (video), and KCRW’s Morning Becomes Eclectic and Guest DJ Project. All of these are really great in finding new music.

How do you know? And how would you know?

2008-10-23T16:41:00.007-07:00

Unfortunately this post is not about someone who knows something but rather how do you get information on current events? Some people I know, listen to talk radio and watch Fox News. Some people listen to NPR and watch the Daily Show and Colbert Report. Some people I know do both(?!). For me personally, I do drive a truck all around the country and since I don't really like commercial radio (except for the Jack FM format), I usually just listen to either my iPod with its random selection of songs and podcasts or NPR. This is generally how I get my news, even if it is center/kinda left. I also have found myself listening to BBC World Service overnight, where I can find it, which I find somehow more informative, even if they are more left than NPR. I also listen to Pacifica Radio and the program Democracy Now! The War and Peace Report, which is the absolute Left. I also am finding myself listening to AM and FM talk radio stations, which usually trend in the other direction. I also read lots of different blogs about a variety of topics, and like my Mom, I read the Opinion Page of the Sunday paper first (actually second after the Comics), wherever I may be. Actually, I do know. I love hearing about what people are thinking and why and why they thought that. It is intriguing to me. Now, I am also finding myself arguing with (sometimes loudly) the hosts and guests on the programs too. And sometimes I am agreeing with the hosts and guests on a particular program, even the extreme right and left, which I find scary and strange. Scary and strange because I didn't think I would be able to agree with the Left, as I find myself center-kinda rightish, I guess. And that's the problem, I don't know what I identify with anymore and it's really bugging me. I don't know is the only I keep finding myself saying and not knowing why. I really don't like this. I'd like to know where I am, but I can't figure this whole thing out. Maybe after the election, because a lot of this is partially political. We'll see.

This is going to be Twit-tastic!

2008-10-18T03:59:00.004-07:00

So, I now have a Twitter account, which is here. I am mostly going to use this for updates for my family (and friends) to know where I am going for work, and also periodic ramblings about things I may notice from time to time. The work entries are highly abbreviated so I can make my 140 character limit. Here is an example:

ROANOKE TX 2 KC MO HD LM 496 EM 29 MS N RTE TX183 I820 US377 TX114 I35W I35 I435 I70 PU 10/16 20:30 DEL 10/17 20:30

It reads as this: From Roanoke, TX to Kansas City, MO; Home Depot; Loaded Miles: 496; Empty Miles: 29; Multiple Stops: N; Route: Texas 183 to I820 to US377 to Texas 114 to I35W to I35 to I435 to I70; Pickup date and time: 10/16 20:30; Delivery date and time: 10/17 20:30.

This is actually the last load I just took, as I am now in Oak Grove, Missouri using free Wi-Fi.

Also, in order to make my character limit, I will be using abbreviations, as seen above. Most city names will be abbreviated, usually using the airport code that it is matched to, if I know it. I also will be abbreviating the most common companies I haul freight for. These are Wal-Mart as WM, Sam's Club as SC, Costco as CST, K-mart as KM and Home Depot as HD (as seen in example), more will follow and will be updated here.

Do you Hulu? / 4 MORE YEARS?

2008-10-10T21:43:00.002-07:00

I have to say this first: It has been really, really slow at work and I have been super bored, but I also haven't had much to think about, so I haven't put anything here. I haven't been busy, just lazy.

OK. Here we go. Hulu, which is the greatest invention this side of TV, is my new favorite thing to do on the Internet. It is awesome, because I can watch my favorite TV shows, with NO TV! I also love it because the video is smooth and appealing and the commercials are shorter in between breaks. I love it. It is the TV I prefer watching. I also am still enjoying Chrome, even if it can't handle Flash or Java. I still use Firefox for that.

In other news, I am really getting tired of this political campaign. I am especially tired of every four years watching the world dissolve into chaos and anarchy, only to right itself soon after the election is decided. I hate this. Or it also seems like people are trying to strong arm things to get what they want before the election is done and over with. I hate that even more. I just wish it was all over, until the next four years, when the cycle begins anew again. Oh well. At least Saturday Night Live is funny as hell this year.

Random Pet Peeve / Chrome / ASC

2008-09-19T22:53:00.005-07:00

I have a pet peeve that is particularly annoying to me as a driver that goes from state to state, why is it that I see a Florida license plated car on the average of 3-4 days, no matter what state I'm in? (Don't forget Florida is still one of the states I have to get to.) Do you people hate to fly? And it's not usually snowbirds either. It's just people who are traveling. Don't get me wrong, I hate to fly, but seriously, a drive from the East Coast to the West Coast is expensive. I am more annoyed for the reason that these people are everywhere, driving like tourists, who drive horribly slow and never know where they are going. Also, for the fact that Floridians are mainly the only ones who do this. I have yet to see any other state who has drivers that drive so this far out of state. Most people stay within their region of the US, but not Floridians. Strange.

In other news, I am using Google's new browser Chrome more now, like right now. It is pretty fast and is decent. I do find it hard however to run it and say Firefox at the same time, because one of them will crash. It also has strange quirks from time to time that prevent it from loading certain kinds of elements in pages, like Flash. I usually just restart it, but that doesn't always work. Also, the download function is a little tricky too, as it will just keep downloading the same thing, unless you clear your browser history. That is really annoying too. Overall though, I do like it for its features and how fast it is, including the "One box". That is a great feature.

One last note, I love music, as if that isn't obvious to anyone who knows me. Part of the reason I still am enjoying music is All Songs Considered from NPR (National Public Radio). This is a site run by Bob Boilen, who used to be the director of All Things Considered. Now, he runs this music site full time, with help from plenty of staff. I have to say that what is done on the site is amazing and truly great. There are podcasts, blogs, videos, live concerts, and everything else that falls under what is or may be music. I have discovered so many bands, both new and old, that I would have never found had I just kept buying records the way I have been for years. This is the ultimate discovery tool. To me, this is the equivalent of walking up to the person behind the counter at a record store and asking him what he finds good at the moment. I love this, because I am almost never near a record store and this is a great way of keeping up. Please check this out, you won't regret it.

The infrastructure will collapse / From voltage spikes

2008-09-18T22:50:00.010-07:00

This past week, I've been in only one state, Texas. That's right, only one state. I've been mostly in the eastern half of the state, until yesterday when I drove from Dallas to where I am now, Amarillo. From Paris to Ft. Worth to Dallas to Houston to Dallas to Ft. Worth to Amarillo. I mostly have just been sitting around in my truck doing nothing. A large reason why I am in Texas for so long and why I haven't done much work was Hurricane Ike, which pretty much left Houston in a disastrous, chaotic state. I left Paris on Friday to deliver to Ft. Worth and it didn't seem like a storm was coming at all. Of course, all you heard on the radio were weather updates about the storm that was coming. That is also all that was on TV too. I saw the eye cross over Galveston Island on its way up on its destructive path. The next day, Saturday, it rained and rained and rained out in Dallas. It was clear by midnight, with no trace of the storm. Sunday, sat around all day in Dallas. Monday, got a load going to Houston, left on it and drove there, seeing the aftermath first hand. The storm itself was destructive, mostly wind and some flooding,but the true destruction was the aftermath and the chaos that the city and surrounding area was left in. There was no power in a lot of places, no drinking water and in some places, no running water. This left a lot of people scrambling to get just basic necessities. The coordination efforts to get these supplies to the people was the biggest problem. I sat all day and listened to KUHF-FM (Houston Public Radio) while they broadcast press releases, places to find necessities, and took calls from the local population. They also reported fights over necessities like water and gasoline. This was truly a tragedy. The main tragedy in all of this was the lack of coordination, brought by the local and state and federal governments. A lot of problems would of been taken care of if coordination was better. The other tragedy, for me, was seeing the disparity amongst the people who lived there. I drove through a small portion of the city and could see that if you lived on the poorer east side, things were worse, as they almost always seem to have been. Lots of neglect. It was very sad, and I wish I could do something about that, but what? Very disheartening. I did make it out though and am still in Texas, which still is no fun, except for Big Texan steakhouse out here in Amarillo.

Pet peeves and podcasts

2008-09-08T23:14:00.002-07:00

Having the job that I do, I see a lot of behavior of drivers that makes me insane when I see it happening. All of these behaviors are usually how a person behaves while driving and that is fine, but it is still annoying. One major one for me though is the person who runs their windshield wipers way too fast for the small amount of rain that is falling. This is particularly annoying because it is also visually distracting, as their wipers are usually going at the fastest speed that they can be set at. Another that is dangerous, however, is the driver who doesn't know how to look in their blind spot before they merge onto the interstate/freeway/parkway/what have you. This is really bad because it can be fatal if you are not looking before you merge onto the highway. I am usually very heavy, always bigger and also usually faster than you at the point from which we meet. I am happy to report, no accidents have taken place so far, but one never knows. I hope the trend continues.

Also while driving, the only other thing I do is listen, and do I listen to a lot of different things. Lots of music from my iPod, lots of public radio from whatever city I happen to be in (today was Chicago and the Quad Cities area of Iowa/Illinois and also Rockford, IL) and also podcasts, which happen to be music oriented for the most part, unless they happen to be a public radio program that I missed and would like to listen to again. The music podcasts I have to give a shout out to that are making my day everyday are NPR's All Songs Considered, which has both a regular podcast where various topics are discussed and also a concert podcast, which is really great, because you get full concerts of bands that are really enjoyable to listen to such as She & Him, Travis, Tom Waits and the most recent, Radiohead. The Radiohead concert is from their last show of their most recent tour in the US from Santa Barbara and it is an amazing concert to listen to, even if it is over 2 hours. Definitely worth the space and time on my iPod. Other podcasts I listen to are KEXP's Song of the Day, which gives you a free song to download everyday. I also subscribe to the same thing for both MPR (Minnesota Public Radio) and KCRW. The best part is that all of this is free, so you are getting plenty of free music just for having an iPod and iTunes (or a computer in most cases). I am at least recommending these to be checked out if you like music, because it is a great way to find music too.

POSTCARD CLUB! / Would you like a FREE (that's right, FREE) postcard sent to you?

2008-09-01T01:47:00.006-07:00

This is for anyone who ever stumbles across this blog and would like to have a postcard sent to them (while I am truck driving). Just send me your name, street address and how often you would like one sent to you. Then send me an e-mail, just click on "View My Complete Profile", then to "Contact". I will send you postcards at your request until I either quit or get fired, whichever comes first and whenever that may be. Thanks!

O.L.D. / 27

2008-08-30T22:32:00.002-07:00

27. My favorite number when I was a kid, probably because that is when I was almost five and my Dad was 27, so I probably thought that was cool. Now, I certainly don't think so. Now, I am 27 and I feel that age and time are just wearing on me. I am forgetting things that I used to never forget. I am losing large pieces of time. I even think I am losing my hair. Not fun at all. The only bright side is that I have more life experience so I can look back at a younger me and laugh at how stupid and naive I was. That is a good thing so I can learn from my mistakes. I hate getting old though. But time marches on. Also Happy birthday to two others that share their birthday six days from now but are the same age as me. Happy birthday Brian and Kristen, may you also enjoy being another year older!

Songs that helped with this post:

"Hiro's Song (Live)" by Ben Folds
"Old Man" and "Heart of Gold" by Neil Young
"TOM (The Old Man)" by Lee Hazlewood
"Old" and "Card Games and Old Friends" by Starflyer 59

It's 3 AM, do you know who your VP is? (News) / Girl Talk (Music Artist) / fun (re-Format) / LG Scoop (New Phone) / I yell when I'm mad (work update)

2008-08-24T01:09:00.009-07:00

This week in the news has been very strange, even to me as I only pay attention to NPR/public radio. See, apparently it is a big deal who the Vice President pick would be for Obama, but it was presented so strangely that it was hard for me to grasp why it seemed to be the big deal that it was supposed to be. I knew beforehand who it was to be based on what deficiencies that Obama had and what he needed to be a better choice against McCain/???? (I'm picking Crist). Biden seems to be a good choice and is a decent fit for Obama, but we'll see. The main point I am making though is the amazing amount of coverage this has gotten from the way he was going to deliver the news (text message) to how many people signed up. Does this really matter? If you follow the news like I do (read: 24/7) then you knew and you would know anyway. This largely was a very intensely ingenious marketing campaign for Obama so he could get new people to sign up in his list of contacts. Not a bad idea at all. However, I am just disappointed that it was covered as if everyone had signed up to get a text message and all the other rather pointless hype associated with it. My other gripe I have is with the current campaigns and how they are being treated by the media. Earlier in the week, I heard character analysis of both candidates on Talk of the Nation, where they interviewed people who knew the candidates from their pasts. These were very difficult for me to listen too as they seemed to be way too soft and sounded more like an infomercial for the candidates, instead an actual character analysis. I was rather disappointed with this. Otherwise, this election campaign has not been to bad and am really glad I listen to NPR, rather than get my news via a cable news channel, which to me have all become each other, hungry for ad dollars rather than actual news. Disappointing entirely.

Greg Gillis' stage name, Girl Talk, is one that I didn't know until recently. He recently released his 4th album of "music", entitled Feed the Animals. I have the word music in quotes only because what he makes as music is not his at all, but a giant mash-up of different pieces of songs into single tracks. (Click here to see all the songs he uses in each track that appear in each song.) It is like listening to 3 to 4 radios playing different songs and scanning different stations at the same time. it works very well though and definitely has challenged my thought of what music can be. I also have found songs that I have forgotten about and haven't listened to in a long time. It is especially great driving music, full of good beats and fast tempos. I really think this is a great album and may be making my top ten for the year. The other good thing is that the album was a free download, so even if you don't like it, it costs nothing to you.

In other music news, one of my favorite bands called it quits earlier this year. Yes, The Format decided they couldn't go on, which was sad, but probably needed to happen, for their sake. For awhile, it seems like one of them was going to something with a band. Just this past week, Nate (Ruess) is back with a band called fun, which also features members from Anathallo and Steel Train. So far one demo, Benson Hedges, has been released on their Myspace page, and it does sound good, especially hearing Nate's voice again. They have an official record coming out in 2009, which should be good.

This week has mostly been a bad week overall. Tuesday, my cell phone died. No power, no charge, nothing. Dead. Also, I was in the middle of nowhere in Nebraska, in a very backwards, ugly town full of backwards, ugly people. They tried to help their best, but there was nothing that they could do for me. It was a Wal-Mart where they only sold my phone service, they couldn't take my phone in on insurance. The nearest store to me was 2 1/2 hours east of me and I would never make it to trade it in under insurance, which I am glad I have on the phone. So I checked along my route for other corporate stores i might hit along the way, found one in Kentucky. I stopped there yesterday and got the phone I have now, which is an LG Scoop, which also means I have Alltel, for those keeping score. Getting that phone was an ordeal too. I had to walk a mile and a half to the store, because I can't just drive my truck anywhere. It was very hot and humid and I was soaked in sweat by the time I got there. I also almost didn't get this phone, but did because the phone I was supposed to get was broken too and got a more expensive phone instead. I do like this phone, and I hope I have it for awhile. I am also appreciative for the saleswoman at the Alltel store as she was very helpful considering my plight. The same also applies to the employees at the Wal-Mart in Sidney, NE where my phone broke, even though they could do nothing for me.

Sunday this week was even worse as I yelled at two separate people that I work for. I feel really bad about that. It largely happened because I keep on getting load assignments that don't allow me a whole lot of time to sleep, so I lose my sanity. This culminated in me freaking out and subsequently yelling at these people that I couldn't make the load I was on. One of these people actually asked me if this is the right job for me. At that point I had been up for 24 hours straight and I just snapped and just let him have it. I then apologized and blamed stress, I then called my Mom, and talked to her for 3 straight hours and she straightened it all out for me and reminded me why I am doing this (bills) and not to get too worked up about it and that I am actually doing fine and sometimes people just do snap, and it should be OK. I am very happy that she was available. She is such an invaluable resource. Thanks, Mom!

Overall, an OK week. There is lots of money in next week's paycheck, so that is always a good thing. I turn 27 on Saturday the 30th. I am not excited at all. I am too old, but sometimes I feel so immature. It is really annoying. Well, time marches on.

10

2008-08-06T23:13:00.010-07:00

East vs. West

rural vs. (sub)urban

country & Christian vs. indie/alternative

conservative vs. moderate

religious vs. areligious

The South vs. The Southwest/Intermountain West

ignorance vs. knowledge

restriction vs. freedom

black/white vs. gray

intolerance vs. tolerance

These are just some of the themes/places/ideals that I feel have come to dominate my ten years as being an Arizonan. What I left is on the left side and what I have come to be is on the right. I am amazed nonetheless that is has not only been that long, but that I have lasted this long in a place that I have always never really wanted to be in. I've never really wanted to be here. But, in the time since moving, I do have some appreciation for how much I have changed in ten years time and how this change wouldn't have happened if I hadn't moved. Most emblematic of this change to me is the change I see in my attitude towards how things are in the world, which is represented by the black/white vs. gray. I grew up in the South, which is highly, if not devoutly religious society. Not that this is wrong, but looking back I can see how it damaged my worldview. I grew up in a very right/wrong, for us/against us type of society. This is the way I just assumed the world was. I didn't know that the world was very many shades of gray, that rules were a necessity, but not to be taken for granted or that there was exceptions. I knew of no exceptions. To me, the world I grew up in was/is a very stark contrast to the world outside of me. It is still a very weird experience. This is not to say I grew up wrong, but I think not knowing enough about the world outside did hamper me in my growth as a human being. I like to see my experiance of growing up akin to the movie The Village by M. Night Shyamalan. Much like the movie, the fear of the outside and its evils really had an impact on Southern culture, brought on mostly by those who didn't like change and those who were "God's people". I do understand that this is/was a conservative culture and this was a time of the Moral Majority/Christian Coalition/Focus on the Family and when they held their greatest power, the 80's to late 90's. This is not to say they don't mean well, but it does not prepare you to be a citizen of the world. It is a true sign of backwardness which did show its way through society in the most latter stages of recent times. These are people who wanted you to question society but not them and to trust them no matter what because they know what is best for you. I have learned better as I do not trust much anymore, especially anyone. Not everything is evil. Not everything is bad. There is both evil and good in the world, but you have to use logic and reason instead of blind stupidity to see what is evil and good. Discernment works.

Another very big part of moving here is the change of ignorance into knowledge. although I know I will never know either enough or everything. Growing up, I thought I knew it all and that was that. Moving here, I have learned so much more than I thought I would. I learned so much about things through the different people I have come across in this part of my life's journey than I ever thought I would. People have been a very important part of my life, even though I am not very much a people person and will readily admit it too. But, in meeting people and listening to people, I have learned so much. The sheer diversity off these people from their gender to race and sexual orientation really taught me things and the way the world is more than I ever could by reading a book or going to school, although those things are very important also. This is also applicable in the area of intolerance vs. tolerance, because meeting these people has made me a lot more tolerable to other people and their ways and also not to judge as much. Because, eventually you will realize that they are just people and the only true difference is their knowledge of the world that they have. That truly is the only difference, in my opinion. I see a lot of problems that are "unsolvable" is because of a lack of knowledge and, of course, communication to figure out these differences and how to solve them.

Other changes are geography and landscape, terrain and topography, and of course the weather, goodbye: four seasons, rain, humidity, hurricanes and tornadoes; hello: two seasons, sporadic rain, dryness and more intense summer storms.

One other important difference is the type of music that I listen too. I know that this may seem superficial to some, but to me, music is such a big part of my life and a reflection of who I am, that not mentioning it would be a huge mistake. (This will be a later post as it also encompasses time before my move to Arizona.)

I do have to say, however, that living in a place for 10 years that I never wanted to has brought me to realize how lucky I am I did. I am always ready to go back of course, but I am also happy that I got the experience of being out here too, since I learned so much. One important lesson I have learned is this: You are a product of your current surroundings and your current surroundings will reflect off of you. This is especially true for me, I know. I see this not only in my attitude about myself, but in other things like politics. I would say I was a person who operated in an right/wrong manner, but now I see things as not so much right/wrong, but what is best in the current situation. Not everything is applicable in every situation.

I also have to say this, that 10 years ago, if someone told me this is the person I would become, I would not only laugh in their face, but call them a liar too. I say this because of the way I saw the world, but now I am a little wiser.

People I wish to thank during these ten years:

First, and most important, Josh (and Lindsey) - for being the best there is in a friend. I couldn't have done a lot of this without you being there being you.

The Desert Springs people - for at least being welcoming for the time it was, it was good. Also thanks for a trip to Ireland, it was amazing.

The Bodys and the Grays. Thanks for also coming out here too. We had a blast, huh?

Co-workers at Bashas', Qwest, Sears, Dominos', City of Tempe, Barnes & Noble and (currently) Swift - for having an ear and a good time of fun before, during and after work. Also to my bosses, thanks for working with me and keeping me in line.

My family - thanks to all of you for staying in Arizona these past ten years as well, it's been a trip.

Also a very special thanks to this woman, who has taught me more about life than anyone else: Mandy/Manders. Seriously, thank you for waking up my brain to reality and putting everything I know into question. You were my greatest challenge and are my greatest inspiration.

Also to all the classmates I've had in every school (5 of them, 1 high school, 1 university, 2 trade schools and 1 community college) that I've gone to now. Also to the teachers as well, thanks for teaching me.

Also to all the girls/women I've dated/taken out on dates, thank you for your perspectives, arguments, attention grabs, etc., etc. I learned a lot.

I also want to thank the New Times, Kimber Lanning, Local First AZ, Stinkweeds Records, The Format and other local Arizona bands, Zia Records, all the local venues both gone and here now, and Hoodlums Records. Thanks for making a soundtrack to my life and keeping me sane and alive. Thanks for showing me to the world outside.

Also to Will, thanks for the room. Same to my sister, Sarah. Glad I could help. And any other place I lived during these ten years.

Lastly, I would like to sum up this experience into one word: go. This is the word I see that sums it all up for me, because if i didn't go, I wouldn't have had this amazingly different life. I wouldn't have changed. I need to "go" in order to be a person, I need to change, evolve into the person I will keep on becoming, which is accomplished by going and moving forward, because if life was not about change and movement, what would it be?

Go.

Religion / 10tendiezdixzehndegдесятьtio十X

2008-07-31T21:27:00.007-07:00

This is a post I have been saving for a long time now and have written over and over in my head and also is inspired by my friend Josh who has come to a point where he wants something completely different in his beliefs, something more accurate to the meaning of the original context of what was said.

Therefore it must be said: I have come to see religion as a problem in my life.

Now, I still believe in God, but there is so much I question and forever will.

One of the problems I see in religion is that it is truly a mirror of the human trek in history. It is one story of how things happened in one period of time. And yet, it isn't. Somehow, it is an amalgamation of a lot of different stories and traditions that have been morphed and changed so much that I cannot believe anything that modern religion offers. I can only believe in God. Consider that the Bible that I know was setup the way it is including order and structure and delineated into chapter and verse in the 300s via a committee by the Roman church. At this same time, at lot of pagan religions were also folded with their traditions into the church at the same time and alot of their holidays (holy days) and symbols (e.g.: cross, halo) became part of the tradition of religion. This is such a problem for me. It is a problem because so much is taken as "sacred" and the meaning is juxtaposed in such a way that the original is lost. I feel like it is a copy of a copy, especially in today's version of religion.

When I say today's version of religion, I am referring to the current way religion is practiced in the United States, especially if you are an Evangelical. I grew up in the denomination that is the Assemblies of God, which truly is a product of the last century, as it was founded during the Pentacostal movement in the early 1900's. Sometimes it seems like part of why I just can't believe in this sometimes is because it was birthed in the 1900's and is almost irrelevant. I am not sure if this is something real or imagined or is it just a normal reaction or rebellion and wanting a change or break from the past that I see as irrelevant. This is not a question I may never answer. I know for a fact though that the world has definitely changed around the church and it is seen as partially irrelevant for being this way. Examples include the various movements that enveloped the world such as the women's liberation, environmental, gay rights, civil rights and social justice. The church, although it is correct in standing and not wavering is, in my opinion, wrong for not acknowledging that these things have happened and instead have tried to hide within in themselves and have created an insular community complete with its own subculture. This is the danger that has changed the church down the dark road of irrelevancy to me. Recently though, some of this has changed and the church has tried to become more relevant and more progressive, but the insularity remains. (By the way, when I speak of the church, I am largely referring to the conservative church.) i think that this is a mentality of us v. them and black and white, right and wrong, with little deviance allowed. This how I grew up in the church in the South (North Carolina) where Religion IS God and there is none other. I now see that this is not necessarily a good thing. There has to be a balance in everything. And the world is truly many multiple shades of gray. That is the simple fact of life. I think that moving away from that is the main reason as to why I no longer find relevance in what I once believed in. I would like to, but somehow it just doesn't make sense. I also have plenty of other reasons why I left the church, including the blatant hypocrisy, materialism and how is just way too soft and people pleasing. I am not asking for it to be all Southern Baptist hellfire and brimstone preaching. I just really want a church that is able to be a part of society without being this irrelevant morass of confusion and akwardness that I see it as. I want a church that sees people, not sinners. one that is not necessarily a place to be certain days of the week, but a true lifestyle that changes all who believe to become more like Christ in the truest sense of the word disciple. I am not sure how and I don't have many examples of who to look up to either. I have two people who I recognize as important to my faith. one is Philip Yancey, because he truly asks all the right questions. The other is Keith Green, who truly lived the life of a disciple maker. I just want to be relevant for lack of a better word. I don't feel like being locked into a culture-less backwards society that can't relate to the outside world. This is what I want.

This is also an interesting post because today is the 10th anniversary of my last day of living in North Carolina before I left on my three hour tour of Arizona, from which I still haven't returned from. One day, I will. Until then, if the saying "Home is where the heart is." is true, then my heart is buried deep in beneath the soil of the Appalachian Mountains in North Carolina and I will go to retrieve it, hopefully sooner rather than later. More of what has happened during the ten years later.

Also, the title is in order: numeral, English, Spanish, French, German, Welsh, Russian, Swedish, Chinese (Traditional) and Roman numeral. Ten different tens.

070908 / A Summary / i feel like dying

2008-07-09T23:41:00.004-07:00

So it has been 1 year and 2 days since I quit my last job (and school) to go to my current job. What have I done? No, really, let's take a look...

A general summary:

I have traveled to 40 states and still need to get to these states, this time in alphabetical order: Delaware, Florida, Maine, Michigan, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, South Dakota and Vermont, but especially Florida, so I can see my grandparents and other extended family members.

I have gotten 4 tickets, three parking, 1 overweight.

I have eaten lots of convenience store food and fast food. I have also eaten at a few good restaurants.

I have seen amazing places and things, more on these later.

I have driven in deplorable weather and road conditions including, but not limited to: rain, snow, ice, wind, fire, sleet, a tropical storm, hail, a blizzard/whiteout. The worst weather condition goes too wind, as it is absolutely unpredictable, whereas the other weather conditions are easier to predict how your vehicle will react.

Worst roads are, in no order:

I-70 west of Denver, way too dangerous, especially in winter.

Los Angeles freeways, too crowded and poorly constructed. This also goes to much of California's freeways. Concrete is a very poor choice for the top layer in a freeway. Try asphalt! It is much smoother.

Best drives:

Southern Utah: Absolutely gorgeous. No other words necessary. US 89 North out of Page, AZ to I-70 East to US 191 is great and you get to go some amazing national parks along the way.

Central Oregon: Just went through here the other day. US 97 is a great route from northern Oregon to Southern Oregon and you get to see some amazing mountain view without having to drive through them.

Chicago. This is only because I got up really early and left before the morning rush hour got too bad. I got to see the sunrise break over the skyline. It was like watching a movie.

Five states in one day. NM to MO and watching the landscape change from desert to high plains to woodland. All in 10.75 hours of driving. It is one amazing drive.

Worst drivers:

Midwest. Beats LA anyday. The Midwest is too full of older people who drive 50, yes 50, on the interstate and no one merges the same onto an interstate there. Some do it correctly where they actually yeild and some just keep going, leaving you guessing as to how they will merge.

Animals killed:

One bird (which I pulled half-alive out of my grill) and one turtle. Also lots of bugs and two near misses with deer (both in Utah).

Favorite cities: Not sure yet. I have traveled on foot through Salt Lake City extensively, which is nice, but the religious aspect is a little too overpowering.

Favorite things: KCRW's Morning Becomes Eclectic, The Current (Minnesota Public Radio), KOBP, Insight on Capitol Public Radio (California), and pretty much any public radio program, especially Marketplace and Talk Of The Nation's Political Junkie on Wednesdays. My iPod. Free Wi-Fi. New places to drive. My laptop.

Favorite foods: This one I'm not sure on yet. I've eaten a lot of places and am always trying to find something good and new to try to eat and be different and not be a regular follow the herd type of person, but sometimes it is hard. I have also tried to eat at touristy places like Big Texan in Amarillo, TX, which is a great place to eat at and I do recommend eating at. But mostly I eat truck stop food, which is usually way too greasy and bad for me. Also, alot of convenience store food too. Very bad.

States I've traveled extensively in: OR, WA, CA, UT, AZ, TX, OK, AR.

State I dislike the most: CALIFORNIA. The absolute worst state for a variety of reasons that would take too long to post. Maybe that will be its own post someday.

Accidents: One. I ripped a trailer door off at a shipper in Portland, OR.

Obscenities used (daily): Too many to list.

So that is my summary for now on this driving thing. I think it is OK for now. The money is good and steady, and that is a really good thing as I have paid off one credit card and have two more to go and should be done with all of them by this time next year.

"I Feel Like Dying" is a song by Lil Wayne from his bootleg album The Drought Is Over 2. I first heard this song late one night while driving through the Texas Panhandle on a Saturday night on my way to Tucumcari, NM to go to sleep. this was back sometime last year, I think in November on my way from Virginia to Albuquerque. I sometimes flip through the dial and I ended up finding the ONLY FM station after going through the AM dial and hearing enough of right-wing media coming all the way from Missouri. This song was on a hip hop show on a college station for which I am not even sure which station it is. The song has haunted me ever since I first heard it back then. I heard it yesterday on NPR when a reviewer was talking about Lil Wayne and how he gave away alot of music before he released his newest CD. One of the reviewers favorite tracks was this exact track and I stopped dead in my mental tracks when I heard this song and was arrested again in thought over this song. I found some Wi-Fi today and downloaded it and haven't stopped playing it yet. I love it because the sample used is so haunting and beautiful, especially after listening to the original source, you can see why as a sample it is haunting, as well as his production skills. A great track.

This was typed in Buellton, California using free Wi-Fi from someone. Thanks.

Moving, Debt, Work.

2008-06-08T21:53:00.007-07:00

I am currently moving from my sister's to my parent's house. I need a place to store my things and not really a place to stay for the time being, thus I am moving all of my things to my parent's house. Moving. I really don't like it. I hate moving because I have to go through all my things and wonder if all of this stuff I have is worth keeping at all, and I have a lot of stuff. So much stuff, my mom remarked to me that I have enough things for a house, which is correct, because I had my own place for a few years and enough room for all of my things. But buying more things creates less space and also having no place for these things now that I don't necessarily live anywhere is making me go through them all and seeing if I need them. truth is, not really. I mean I am going to keep all of these things only someday I will have my own place again and will eventually re-place all of these things on new shelves. I have gotten rid of a lot even before I had to move. I eliminated around a third of my DVD collection and sold them back to various places (Zia and FYE) and made money. I went through my CDs and only got 6 I didn't want anymore. I wish I could've gotten more, but having over 1100 CDs constantly pruned and preened over the years has eliminated so much crap I didn't really want that I am satisfied with the CDs I have, even if I don't listen to them all. So, what does that leave me with? Books. I have 6 bookshelves worth of books. I may get rid of some of them, but haven't decided how. I know a few booksellers that may be willing to take some of my books, but I don't really know. I would like to keep a majority of them, like my CDs and just get rid of the fluff of what I don't really think I may need in the future. Moving definitely makes you consider the value of things.

I have also known this firsthand as I am also cutting down on spending to get rid of debt. As I look upon all the things I have acquired, I see that I spent too much money, mostly credit, to get these things. I am not ashamed of how I acquired these things, because I do enjoy having these things, but I know it has a price, a big one. Debt is not fun. Spending more than you have may be the American way, but it is dangerous. Now, I was not in over my head, but I was close. I was being kept afloat by low transfer offers by the other cards I carried. I still have three balances. One is being paid off by the end of next month and I am on track, at this point and barring any major calamity, to be debt-free (credit card only). I also have school loan debt, but that is baing taken care of monthly for the next ten years, which I may accelerate after I eliminate my credit card debt. The only person I have to thank and do credit (no pun intended) is my mother who keeps my on a tight leash of no spending, except for food. Now, I do save up and buy the occasional item and I do have to buy things for work and those cost money that I get later, but for the most part, I am only spending money on food and nothing else. My mom has literally saved my life in this regard. She remarked how proud she was of me and how well I am doing and I am amazed at this too. This is because I am someone who has, for up til now, would spend close to half of my net income on CDs and other entertainment every month, and often would use credit to buy it if I couldn't afford it right away with the thought of paying for it later. Now, I haven't really bought anything entertainment-wise at all. I do have a list of things I would like to have, but I can wait. It is really different being patient. But it also easier because I don't have that long to wait.

I don't have too long to wait mainly because I am finally getting plenty of work to do at work and getting paid plenty of money to do it too. This makes life a lot easier. Being a truck driver still isn't too much fun, it is still half like / half dislike, but it is getting better. The large part of the dislike is the fact that when I work, I don't really have time off, like a normal job. No, all of the time I am accounted for and I am, for all intents and purposes, working, until I come back home. Which means, for the past 3, yes 3, weeks I was working and away from home. That sucks. I hate that part of the job. I would rather have a job where work and non-work time was more delineated and I could be home instead of being "at work" all the time. I know this sounds ridiculous, even to me, but it is true, I would like to be home a little more often. I still want to see all 48 states by truck and then the other 2 as a vacation that I will save up for after paying my debt, but I love being home because it is home and not work. The other thing that sucks is that I still have 8 states to get to and it keeps on looking like I am not going to get to these states this year. They are (in order of importance): Florida, Delaware, Rhode Island, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, South Dakota and Michigan. I just really want to get to Florida so that I may see my grandparents and other relatives. That would be really nice. I know I would be happy to see my family and so would they.

Otherwise, I am just plugging along until then and just keep moving on.

What to do?

2008-05-17T17:52:00.002-07:00

I am at a crisis. In fact it always seems like I am. I am constantly not knowing what to do with my life. Should I go to school? Work? Both? School didn't really work. Working is good, but is mostly just to pay off my debt incurred by going to school. I would like to go to school and learn, but that is not working either. School is either too boring or I'd rather learn on my own. Work is not boring but it seems like I should be doing something else. I just don't know. I am satisfied, but I feel like I could be doing more. I don't feel empty, just hungry. My goal (for right now) is to travel the entire 50 states and get paid for it. And I am doing that as a truck driver for 48 of them (I have 8 left to go). I then hope to travel on vacation to Alaska and Hawai'i. After that I want to work and get paid while working in another country, preferably for an NGO or for the State Department or Peace Corps. I really would be thankful if that could happen. Yet, also I kinda wish that I could do what I had planned on doing before I moved to Arizona almost ten years ago. I wish I could move back to North Carolina, to Asheville, and get a job that would probably be something I wouldn't like, such as a desk job, but I would compromise on being where I am. I would also like to get a life/wife, kids and settle down for the rest of my life. This is the other major choice I need to make, whether or not I am going to get a wife or not. Of course I would, but she is elusive to me. Yes, I've blown plenty of chances with plenty of women that probably would have worked, but I didn't think it would have at the time. But, if I get a wife, I know I will have to compromise with my newest dream of traveling and working. I'm just not sure. I have so many conflicts within myself on what to do, it literally is insane. I plan on just living day to day for right now. There is nothing else to do for now.

I finally got a laptop!

2008-05-05T22:12:00.002-07:00

Today, I finally got the laptop I have been waiting forever to get. It is a Dell inspiron 1525 with all the right specs at a great price. So now, I may be taking this blog on the road, which is something I have been waiting to do for a long time.

Speaking of the road, what a time it has been. Again, to all of you who thought I might actually have had time to keep you updated about what I am doing, I don't. Driving a truck is a 7 day a week job, with little time to do anything like rest. I don't even rest when I get home, because I have a lot of work I gotta do when I get home, like bills and things like that. Now, don't misunderstand, I do like my job, it is just that my job consumes all of my time. Would I rather be doing something else? Sure, I'd like to be doing something a little more relaxing. But, I also wouldn't get to see the country on someone else's dime and still get a decent paycheck every week doing it either. That is definitely one of the good things. The other is that since I get to go all over the country, I can see what other possibilities are at hand at other places in the country should I decide to move there if I like it and want to get a different job doing something else, or work a local job for a different trucking company. You never know.

The job itself is rather easy, boring at times, but it does wear you out from time to time, especially if you have to be somewhere by a certain time and you just figured you have to work 10 hours a day for two days straight in order to make it on time. It takes a lot of basic math skills that have to be used in tandem alot with one another. I always have a calculator at hand. You also have to have a love of driving, because it can get so boring on the road, especially if you keep driving the same roads over and over again. Do I hate it? No. Do I love it? No. Do I like it? Yes. It is a job that mostly fits my personality. I do enjoy driving and I do like to explore new places. I definitely like it better than going to school or having a desk job. Because this job is mostly autonomous. I am completely responsible for what I do. I do enjoy being a traveler. There is however plenty that I do not like about the job.

One thing is the inherent stupidity that seems to be part of being a truck driver. I understand that some of them are not exactly the brightest part of the bunch of people. What I can't understand though is that most of them are the exact people that I do not like associating with. I grew up around a culture like this. NASCAR loving, racist, country music loving idiots. I do not like being apart of these people. Now, granted I am making a generalization about truck drivers, but most of them are like this and to me I look at this and am afraid of being stereotyped this way. I mean, listen to NPR and my iPod. I refuse to listen to anything commercial radio-wise. What I really mean is that I thought I had finally left that all behind me when I moved away from North Carolina, the redneck culture, only to have it thrown back in my face again. This is my main pet peeve. The other is the inherent unhealthiness that pervades as well. More often than not, I am seeing people smoking and serious overweight problems. I myself am overweight by at least 40 pounds, but that comes with sitting all day and then being way too tired to wan to do anything else and having only fast food to eat where you are stopping to eat at for the day. That is a huge problem with all of this unhealthiness. But smoking? Seriously, I thought this one had been solved. SMOKING IS UNHEALTHY! Please stop. You will save so many years of your life by not smoking.

The only other thing I have noticed while driving is how introspective you become, because it is just you out on the road. So, I've become even more introspective than I ever have before and that is driving me just a bit crazy sometimes. Because, all I do is think. But, it has helped me to finally come to the grips with who I am as a person, with help from my Mom (thanks!).

And now that I am confident in who I am as a person, I have realized how much time it took me to get to this point and I feel (again) like I have wasted my life. This is happening at every turn. But I hope that I can get out and finally be let go of these stupid problems that hold me down. I am now hoping that my confidence can turn into a real, lasting relationship, not like these relationships that I have failed at in the past. Those sucked. I still in unbelief sometimes at how much I screwed up and now I hope to not do the same. But, I also need to be finding someone too. For her, I know what I want, but she doesn't exist, yet. Actually, she does. And that is the hard part.

Anyway, what a long post. That is what I get for not posting more often I guess.

2007

2008-01-16T16:47:00.002-07:00

Well, what a year. In the year 2000.... (and 7) I had a wild ride. I stopped working, going to school to start work again and go to school again (technically my fourth educational stop). I stopped ASU and working at Dominos' to go and decide that I needed to change my life and do something I like (travel) and get paid for it. So I decided to go work as a truck driver, which was my first choice of what I wanted to do long before I had chosen to go ASU. I have now been driving for four months now as a solo driver and have seen 40 of the 48 states (in my truck). My goal,of course is to see all 48 and Alaska and Hawai'i and then travel the world and never stop and also never stop working for someone who will pay me to travel and work for them. I realize that this may make me go back to school again and get a real degree and job or not. We'll see when the time comes.

Anyway, 2007 also brought me to the realization that my life in relation to others is not what I would want it to be. I found myself to be in relationships I didn't want to be in and relationships that I wished I could be in instead. I really screwed things up over and over again in the relationship department and I don't know why. I have dreams telling me to be patient and to wait, but for what? I don't know. I don't know. Why am I still trying to be in a relationship? I think I need to stop and just quit and not try ever again, but it is so hard to not want to stop. I don't want to be like others I know who just sleep around for the hell of it and I don't want to wait forever either. I'd like to wait but I don't. I am getting really tired of trying to figure my life out. I really am. I just want it to stop.

If 2007 has been only good for one thing though, it is this: RADIOHEAD. I kid you not. They once again have saved my life. In Rainbows, their new album, has quite literally changed my life this past year and I thank them for that.

On to the thanks for 2007:

My primary thanks goes to Josh and Lindsey, because they have also saved my sanity on more than one occasion and are very interested in my life and how I am and love me as if was family. Thank you so very much for being the best of friends that I could ever want to have and also the cookies and the CD and all the times that we get to hang out. I love you both.

Thanks also goes to my family, Leslie, Sam, and everyone who worked with me at Dominos', and all my other friends and Stinkweeds Record Exchange and Kimber Lanning, the hardest working person I know who, with others is trying her damnedest to make Phoenix alot more liveable place. Thanks for all you do.

No Thanks too:

Bad drivers, also to Claire* and also to Mike for being idiots.

I hope 2008 is going to be a much better year, full of learning and living. To anyone I forgot, sorry.

*Claire: Although she taught me alot about myself, which I am grateful for, I have to put her on the No Thanks list because she and I had a lot of problems in our "friendship" that I couldn't resolve and wish I could've never had in a true friendship or whatever she thought it was. I was just trying to be a friend and she wanted more and I didn't. Simple as that. Also the fact that once it became kinda more than a friendship, it became a serious problem that I just would rather not want to deal with and didn't and I let it fester like an open, untreated sore. There was my problem, for which I am sorry for. I do wish things were different, but they aren't. I am sorry, but I also have no regrets. I don't because I do not care for someone who is jealous, manipulative, and immature. I also did not enjoy the fact that she is a drug user. That made me the most angry. Again, some of this is my fault and I take responsibility for it, but I will not be run over in the quest for a friend. The fault in me was that I am a passive-agressive person and tend to let things go for too long and won't do anything about it until it is too late to do anything. I already knew this about myself and this is the second time I have burned a bridge over my behavior for it too. I would say I don't feel sorry, but I don't really know if I do and I don't necessarily care if I do or don't. I don't think I'll ever know. Especially since this is not the first time I've done this. What can I do? Maybe I'll learn one day, but for now, I'll never know.

Leaving so soon?

2007-09-27T16:24:00.000-07:00

So I am about to leave on my own with my own truck. My mentorship ended up going ok but by the end, I had enough riding around with someone that I didn't really understand and just was trying to get his money. Oh well, that is life. the time I was out on the road though was fun and now it is time for it to be absolutely real. I am, as always, very anxious and nervous, so much so that I keep freaking out on everyone ( and having to apologize for that behavior). I am very tired as well and I almost don't want to go on, except I have to. I wish I was a billionaire and I didn't have to do anything except travel the world and that would be my job, wasting money. My mentorship took me to 40 states, the only states I didn't make it to being: Florida, Maine, Michigan, Delaware, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Vermont and New Hampshire. It was really fun making money and traveling the country and trying to learn how to drive a truck and operate it in the fashion I need to as a professional driver. I seriously am ready, but just so anxious, I really just want to not and say I did. But I have to move on, so I will. Also, my favorite place I visited while on my trip was, of course, North Carolina, which I am coming back to soon, very soon.

Tchaikovsky

2007-09-27T14:59:00.000-07:00

Whoa. While reading the biography of the composer Tchaikovsky, the man sounds a lot like myself and the way I feel about the world. Here is a man who dislikes the world and will accept fate for what it is, even if he doesn't do well in the eyes of others, he is happy and will not complain. He also is emotionally unstable, depressive and hypersensitive. yet, he was a musical genius. Now I'm not a musical genius in any right, but I feel almost akin to what he feels about the world. There are two quotes to which he is attributed to that solidify this point for me. The first: "To regret the past, to hope in the future, and never to be satisfied with the present - this is my life." The second quote is in a letter he wrote to a person who was his benefactor who supplied him with finances so he could continue his artistry. This quote is from one of the letters he sent to her (they never met although they lived in the same city). I will also say this is almost close to things I've said in the past myself. The quote is:

You see, my dear friend, I am made up of contradictions, and I have reached a very mature age without resting upon anything positive, without having calmed my restless spirit either by religion or philosophy. Undoubtedly I should have gone mad but for music. Music is indeed the most beautiful of all Heaven's gifts to humanity wandering in the darkness. Alone it calms, enlightens, and stills our souls. It is not the straw to which the drowning man clings; but a true friend, refuge, and comforter, for whose sake life is worth living. perhaps there will be no music in heaven. Well then, let us give our mortal life to it as long as it lasts.

AMAZING! I love that quote, because it is so fucking true and that is why I say I LOVE music and nothing else, because it is with me always, like a true friend. Thank you Tchaikovsky.

99,000 miles

2007-08-20T00:55:00.000-07:00

As I drove my car today it hit 99,000 miles, which is alot and a rather large achievement. Another large achievement is my recent CDL acquirement and my subsequent employment with Swift Transportation and the mentorship that I am currently in. I am learning alot about driving a semi truck and all that entails. Some things are easier for me rather than others. The easiest parts are the actual driving parts and control of the vehicle and trip planning and reading a map and using the onboard computer. I picked that stuff up quick with little help. The parts I still help with are shifting and backing into a dock or a parking space say at a truck stop. These parts have been a bitch and I can't stand it sometimes how difficult it seems to me and how hard I am making it on myself to get it right. My mentor though is unnaturally super patient and helps me with everything. I have gotten alot better with time, of course, but only a week and a half isn't much, although I have noticed improvement with my problem areas and I know at the end of my six weeks, I'll be doing great and I will wonder why I ever had a problem at all. Practice makes perfect. Also, the encouragement I have gotten from my buddy Lee has helped too. I will say again that I now know that I found what I feel I was meant to do, drive. I enjoy it so much and getting paid to go cross country is an amazing thing. I GET PAID TO TRAVEL! I think that is so great. In the first week and a half, I have traveled from one coast to the other and back again. I have been to places I've never been to before and I've driven entire states and so much more. I've hauled alot of stuff. I feel this is kind of like my last job, just extrapolated in the size and scope and also alot more fun. I like it so much. Again many thanks to Lee and also to my patient mentor, George. I appreciate the help. The states I've driven in so far: California, Arizona, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Texas, Illinois, Missouri, Arkansas, Kansas, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Virginia and West Virginia. I've also been to Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York, Maryland, Ohio and Indiana. Being a trucker is fun so far and I have enjoyed my time so far. It is hard though to be part of a culture that is so different than what I've lived in. I want to not be a stereotypical trucker, although that is hard, but planned right I know I will do it. I will be a healthy and progressive person that I've told myself I am going to be. I will not be lazy, but professional. Also, having Sirius radio in the truck is a great thing, especially since Sirius 26, Left of Center, exists. It is a decent station playing music I enjoy. What does suck: not having a laptop and not being able to be on th Internet all the time, which will soon change thankfully. That way I can also update more often. Overall, this has been a great experience which I want to continue. I love it.

Finally...

2007-08-01T21:09:00.000-07:00

Today, 8/1/07, I got my Commercial Driver's License. What a relief to finally get through the 3 weeks I was in training and all the testing and practice and the hot summer days, the waking up at 4 AM ( how I did this, I'll never know), and anxiety and pressure. It seemed it would never end, ever. I never knew what day, time or month it was during this experience and it seems like it has been a year since I started. I would, of course, like to thank the people who I was around and who trained me during this time. They include the following: Bob, Tom, Phil, Mario, Jim, Jason M, Jason K, Jason/Scott, Maria, Janice, Jeanette, Carrin, Brian, Luna, Sonia, Bob, Justin and others I may have forgotten. I learned alot and still have a lot to learn. Also thanks to Mike for the great gift for getting my CDL, it will be used for a long time since it is a large print atlas and will definitely come in handy being out on the road. I cannot wait until Monday when I will be starting orientation and then hopefully will be out on the road by the end of next week. It is a little scary to think that I will be gone for most of the time on the road, but I am not too worried, because I am ready for the next stage of my life.

I woke up at 3:30 AM today...

2007-07-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

Originally this was going to be entitled "I wake up at 4 AM for this?", except that today it all changed. I now know I made a right decision to go and be a truck driver. Today, I finally got behind the wheel of a 70 foot-long vehicle and drove it a lot of places. Until now, I kind of dreaded everything I was doing. The testing was easy to get my CDL permit. The past week I had been getting up at 4 AM and doing backing procedures all day until my brain went dead, which did happen on Saturday and Sunday. I just got tired of doing these procedures, I wanted to drive a truck somewhere, anywhere. (Having no break in my schedule did not help either). Today though, I felt like a kid in a candy store and the candy was everywhere. This is where it all came together for me. I was the happiest person I knew. I still can't believe all I did today. I think I drove approximately 100 miles today. I still have problems, but being the first day, I know I did very well. Double clutch shifting is a major pain in the ass, especially downshifting. I will say it again though, I now know I am going to be a truck driver. I cannot wait until tomorrow. I love my new career that I chose.

This is a metaphor - nothing more.

2007-07-12T22:45:00.002-07:00

Person 1: Do you ever feel like you want to pull the trigger?
Person 2: Let it all go?
P1: Yes, let it all go, release the bullet from the chamber.
P2: Where is it going?
P1: Who knows?
P2: What do you mean? A bullet has to go somewhere.
P1: True, all bullets do go somewhere, but this bullet has a hypothetical end.
P2: Why?
P1: Because I don't know where I want it to go.
P2: Is that so?
P1: Yes, I am not sure.
P2: But why?
P1: Why not?
P2: Because you should have a plan for what you want.
P1: Really, with something as random as a bullet?
P2: Bullets are NOT random.
P1: Yes they are. Most users of guns and guns themselves do not shoot straight because of various factors, such as recoil or a wind gust.
P2: Yes, that's true. Yet, it is still a semi-controlled environment, you can still point and shoot.
P1: OK, I see this argument is lost, what do you feel when you pull the trigger?
P2: I feel elation and excitement, a rush.
P1: Good.
P2: It's an amazing feeling!
P1: Yes it is. So where is it going for you?
P2: I don't know, I guess. I don't think about that, I'm just happy it's gone. Oh, I get it. I see your point. You're right.
P1: I know.
P2: So...
P1: (Bang)
P2: (Bang)

© 2007 Scott Krueger

Gone Away / 070707 / Last Day

2007-07-08T03:37:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day working at a job I've held for almost 3 years (a feat I've yet to accomplish at any job or company yet). Yes, I've completed my tenure at Dominos' Pizza as a delivery driver. This job was OK and worked out well in the beginning (August 2004) as I was going to start school at ASU and needed a job where I could make decent money and still go to school at the same time. It was also the only place that had called me back after I had applied there (after applying at more than 20 different places). I REALLY NEEDED a job, badly. I had also gotten fired from my previous job the month before and was running out of ~~money~~ credit and needed to start paying bills, which is important when you are living by yourself. So, blah, blah, blah, I've had the job for almost three years and went to school during this time, so why quit? Because school got too ridiculous (waste of time) and I've quit that too (for now). But why quit? Here's why: School was Plan B, my new job (truck driving) was ALWAYS my Plan A. It just didn't work out to be a trucker back when I wanted to, which was also three years ago, I chose school instead. I'm not going to say that was a stupid or dumb choice, because it wasn't, but I still feel I wasted most of my time. The return on the investment I made into school wasn't a good one. So, I am going to be a truck driver for the Swift Corporation. I'm mostly excited and I feel like I am making the right decision with nary an issue at all. I feel at peace. Anyway, back to last night. It sucked ass. It was one of those stupid nights where the weather was shitty, the customers were shittier and your co-workers were tolerable. One, it's TOO DAMN HOT, I hate this fucking heat and I want to leave for a colder climate, yet I also worked in it. Just too hot, even at 1 AM, just too hot. Two, like the previous night, the shittiest customers just had to order food. Lots of no tips or too little tips. Karma was a bitch last night. Three, having a constantly rotating and revolving staff means that I get a wild card of an employee every night, meaning that I get a completely different set of jobs and rules in which to work in and a completely different skill set that the other person has. This is the worst apart of the job, because, most people enjoy doing up to only 50% of the work and then say they are done. I just want to go insane. It is not as bad as it seems, but consistency is something that always lacked there. Oh well, I don't work there anymore. Anything good happen? Yeah. I got a cheesecake and an extra large box that everyone who worked that day signed (that ended up being my good-bye card). It is full of the most random and funny sayings, well-wishes and just general non-sense that I came to expect from those fuckers I worked with. I also got to deliver to the neighbors across the street from my parents' house, which was fun, because I know they didn't expect to see me there and they were good customers. It made my day. (Also, the previous night, I had delivered to a friend of mine at a hotel. That was nice.) Final total for the night: $91 dollars in tips and mileage on 25 deliveries. Not too bad, but I always want more money. Last customer's name: Anthony. He tipped 3 dollars and was really nice, I gave him my pen. He didn't believe it was my last day. Ending Mileage: 96406 (I accurately predicted this exact number 3 hours before hand). Last Song: "Gone Away" by My Brightest Diamond from the album Bring Me the Workhorse. Interesting thing I did see that I also have to mention, on my last delivery, I saw a high-speed chase between a cop and a suspect and there was also a police helicopter searching earlier in the night as well. It was really strange for the city I live in. Earlier, I sneaked over to Zia and did some shopping (I purchased the new Beach Boys compilation, The Warmth of the Sun). Overall, a good day. Work is never really meant to be fun. The actual work part sucked, everything else was great. The rest of the day was good with breakfast at Denny's and dinner at Joe's Farm Grill. Thanks to everyone for my box and cheesecake and all the well-wishes from the well-wishers. Thanks also go to Shawn for the card and the dollar. Thanks also go to all who worked or showed up on my last day: Tyson, Heidi, Leslie, Taylor, Nick, Samantha (Sam), Aaron, Shawn, Joe, Jose (JJ), David, and Lynn. I also would like to thank EVERYONE that I have EVER worked with in any capacity at that place. I also want to thank the people who I met and became friends with outside of work: Claire, Leslie, Mike, Dustie, Sarah and Jeremy. Also thanks to Brandy for the Betta. I appreciate the friendship of all of you. I also want to say a very special thank you to the only person who I've worked with consistently over the past almost three years, Leslie. She made my day everyday she was there working and it did suck everyday she wasn't there working. Thanks for all your craziness at work and thanks for being awesome. So, on to my next life, being a truck driver. I know it will go well and I am ready to finally get on with my life.

To Father's Day 2007

2007-06-17T17:54:00.000-07:00

Father's Day 2007 made me realize how difficult it can be raising a child. See, I have a four year old... nephew. I currently live with my sister and help her raise him. I guess I really didn't understand how different it is on the other side. I have to have amazing patience, control of my emotions, language and I have to also impart this to a child at the same time. The hardest part is presenting things as black and white with little room for gray areas. I was raised this way and for too long, I thought this is how the world operated. Little did I know, the world is gray, but I needed to be taught the instruction manual, which is only black and white. It is really difficult trying to do just that, especially since my world is not like a four year olds. I mostly enjoy raising my nephew Sean, but like all things, there are times where I would rather give up and I know my sister does too. I am, however, very grateful for the opportunity and would like to be a real father one day to my own children. I would also of course say thank you to my own Dad, whom I feel I have under-appreciated a little bit, since I now know what it is being a father. I love you Dad and thank you for everything you've ever done.

Why I am moving to North Carolina.

2007-05-06T21:07:00.001-07:00

I am moving to North Carolina. Most people do not seem to want to believe, accept, support or acknowledge this truth. Yet, the question remains, why? I'd like to say why not, but that sounds stupid and uninformed. But really, why not? North Carolina is where I grew up, it is where part of my extended family lives and I have a lot of friends that live there too. The real reason why I am moving there is that I think it is best for me to be there rather than here. After all, from when I was young I always had a plan to stay in North Carolina for the rest of my life. That, of course, was interrupted by my move to Arizona with my family 9(!) years ago this August. Do I regret the move? Sometimes, because I think it messed up the plan I had for my life. In that regard, I find it to be my biggest regret. But life is something you cannot control. The move, in complete honesty, fucked everything I had and still continues to fuck things up. I do not feel and never have felt comfortable living here and I am not talking about the weather. Where I live now is not a home, rather it is a machine. This is what living in a metropolis feels like. There are 3 million people living in this county alone, yet with this many people, I feel alone. I have friends, and they're great and I've had experiences living out here that I would not want to trade for anything, but it feels so empty and soulless here. I need to get back to where I KNOW I belong. That place is North Carolina, in the mountains where I spent my summers when I was young. Where trees, rivers, streams and lakes abound in beauty far beyond this "vast expanse" type of beauty. Not to say it isn't beautiful, but it isn't what I want. I will also miss my friends here just like I miss my friends that I left behind in North Carolina that I think about frequently. I will think about my friends here frequently too. I've made many memories here, but I need to move on from here so my life can continue. I am afraid that my life will not continue until I leave here and truly begin my life where I belong. That is why I am leaving. Because I need to stop messing around and start my life.

The Media / Why do these things happen?

2007-04-16T22:01:00.001-07:00

Although today, 4-16-07, is rather tragic and sad like so many other days in history that we should be well versed in already, I also saw something even more tragic to me.

I am tired of having the news stations having to go to commercial breaks or having a "special broadcast with less interruption" to focus more on the story at hand. Here's an idea: How about you limit commercials or eliminate them altogether? Make it less a television show and more like you actually care about the news you are reporting on. This is why I have basically switched to non-commercial media (NPR and PBS) and buy TV shows to enjoy on DVD, rather than on TV, because it is devoid of commercials. I also would rather have commercials at either the beginning or at the end of the broadcast or both with the news in the middle of the commercials with no other commercial breaks. That would work best in my opinion.

Again today is very tragic and sad as expressed by many and it hurts to see these things happen.

(Addendum 6/14/2007)

I have been thinking as to why these tragic things keep on happening in spite of the public outcry against what is deemed to be the ills that caused this. I think I may have figured it out though. The problem is not violence in this society, or bad parenting, the real reason is something all failed to acknowledge. We live in a community of individuals. What I mean is that we are so concerned with ourselves and look out primarily only for ourselves and our desires so that if someone who comes along that can't interact or understand, then there will be a problem. There is no sense of community in this current society. It's all lost. Sure, there are "communities" but it is usually a hodgepodge mix of tons of different people and places and likes and dislikes with no constant. There is too much variety and choice and it seems to me this overwhelms people and creates stress and anxiety. But what do I know?

This is fun!

2007-03-28T18:12:00.000-07:00

I really like this article about Gore vs. Bush. It really puts the whole environment movement into a quandary again. I also do like the fact that Bush lives in a so-called "green" house as it was designed to be.

New Template / 50th Post

2007-03-20T23:49:00.000-07:00

I have now updated this blog with a new template as well as new sections. It is also a three pane template, which I find important in communicating all that I think I need to. This is also my 50th post.

INTJ

2007-03-13T21:43:00.000-07:00

INTJ. Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging. Wow, this is something I remember "learning" about myself when I was in high school and forgotten until now. It is useful to remember this not only for my self but others as well. Link to explanation.

Updates...

2007-01-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

I have updated this blog with pictures from my Flickr account, you can click on it to go to my account. Also, I am preparing a massive post that I am writing during class everyday and I will be posting when it is complete, it is mostly a biography on my dichotomous life that I've had. also, I recently traveled through all of the freeway and interstate miles in the state of Arizona. It was fun, especially since it was with my Dad.

End of year 2006.

2007-01-05T14:09:00.000-07:00

Well, another year is GONE! Went way too fast, had fun though and went through alot. Went to eight concerts (Radiohead/Deerhoof, Viva Voce, Avenged Sevenfold/Coheed & Cambria, Bob Dylan/Merle Haggard, Damien Jurado/Rosie Thomas, The Elected, Ladytron/CSS, The Format) which were all amazing and wonderful fun. I also went on two vacations (North Carolina for two weeks in June and most recently, family vacation in Utah for New Year's*). Both of these were good and successful. I also think I have an idea about what to do and finally am (mostly) worry free and anxiety free, which is very good. 2007 is expected to be good in my view as well and I am hoping it is. I have some important news coming in the future about the future, but I'll wait on that for now. It will be the biggest announcement I will have in my entire life and is something I have prepared my entire life for. Now for the thanks list.

Thanks goes to:

Stinkweeds and the Modified,
Michael (& Nichole),
Michael (Bill),
Leslie,
Josh & Lindsey,
Courtney,
Nick,
My parents, siblings, and extended family members,
Friends on the East Coast that made my vacation awesome,

and

Ashley

No Thanks goes to:

Work and school and bad tippers and MySpace

With a saddened heart I also said goodbye to my Great-Grandmother Eloise Nees who passed away from this life at the age of 91 this year. A long life that meant alot to those who knew her, she was loved by all.

Congratulations go to Mark and Amy, John Paul and Erin, and Matt and Sunna.

*This part of the post is about my recent trip to Utah for New Year's. It was a family vacation and it went pretty much OK, except I never went anywhere once I got there. I was still good because there was deer EVERYWHERE I went and I got to feed them, so it was pretty cool. I was in the middle of nowhere however and that totally blew, especially when you run of things to do and you read everything you brought and you don't want to go sledding or watch football. The landscape was beautiful at sundown and can be seen at my Flickr account. I did enjoy it only beacuse it was still icy and snowy when we left and it was cold, because I enjoy cold weather very much. Thanks to "Uncle Bobby" for opening up his home and to Sandy for the delicious hot chocolate to keep me warm and to Boise State for an incredible game. No thanks to Utah's dry laws, you suck the fun out of drinking.

Re: last post

2006-12-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

The last post I posted was a brain dump and a venting on my current life outlook. Good news is that I am going to career counseling instead of trying to figure this shit out by myself. Bad news is that I still have no fucking clue what is going on with me. Hope counseling helps.

I'm very confused...

2006-11-29T11:46:00.000-07:00

At this stage in my life I have no idea what the hell I am doing and still haven't found any light or clue as to what to do with my life. I can't stand the fact that I am still wasting space, resources, time, money, etc. Doing nothing at all. NOTHING AT ALL! I'll repeat that again: NOTHING AT ALL! I fell as if I am doing nothing because I have seeds of doubt constantly burrowing themselves in my mind as to the future and its plans for me. I hope to God I can find something to do, but the future in that arena always looks so bleak with too much bad news. I am not going to try suicide (too dumb), but I'd like to go away from this life and never return. I am not necessarily angry or confused, I just need a way out or someone to show me a way to a general path for my future. I am constantly thinking about my future and the future that others have had and I still don't know what to do. I have big goals and dreams, but I doubt I will ever see these results. I hate the fact that I can't seem to be succeeding. I have done too many organizations of cost/benefit analysis for my future and its goals and I always come up on the opposite of where I am now. What do I do with that? Do I follow this even if it means giving up so much of what is important to me (family, friends, stability)? If I have no sense of purpose however and am stuck in this self-existence for much longer, I might crack and never return. All I know now is that I owe too much to too many people to let them down now. That is my real problem. I wish this wasn't a secret as it really is. I have some to the end here and need to make a decision, one way or another.

(This is a response to myself as I contemplate yet another semester at ASU and all the trappings of it. I have NO IDEA why I am here.)

My real problem is that I don't plan. That is my problem and no amount of trying to change that will make a real difference. It is part of character, it's who I am. That is truly sad. This is really sad because I can't express this in words how difficult this is for me to be this way. I just want it all to go away. I want a life that has been pre-programmed for me that I can take and move on with instead of staying in this rut of hopelessness and despair. I am only here at ASU anyway because I thought it would be a good idea. Is it still good anymore? Or should I go with the other choice I thought about but didn't have the money for at the time and felt embarrassed about if I had to tell my parents about that choice. Oh, I'm sure they would support me, after all they are my parents, but education is more important to them then a lifelong job. Although, I think they would also like it if I was happy and fulfilled. So we're back to the original point, what to do? Seriously, what to do? I've done too much research into my own brain about what to do. I think I have over-analyzed it into a great annoyance that has cost me my health. Only time will tell. I feel so ashamed and distraught, but I can't keep on living a lie. If anyone is reading this and wants to know what the hell I am talking about, please e-mail me. This is only a hastily written thought about my future (and its jobs) and nothing else. Thanks.

there is something I have forgotten...

2006-10-17T11:24:00.000-07:00

That hearing music live is the best way to experience it. After going to see Damien Jurado and Rosie Thomas and Oakley Hall play last night at Modified, I remembered that hearing music live is an amazing experience and I can't believe I had forgotten that. I've been to 6 shows so far this year with 3 more scheduled to go. I hope they will all be as good as the one last night.

Update #80,000

2006-10-16T14:36:00.001-07:00

So Friday, while listening to Gang of Four, I passed 80,000 miles on my car. I think it is more than any of my siblings vehicles. It was cool.

Anyway, in another note, I haven't updated this since my birthday happened back in August. It was my 25th and it was amazingly good. I had a good time out to eat with friends on the Sunday of that week at Buca di Beppo's. I also got lots of other free food during the week from my parents (birthday dinner and Golden Corral) and from leftovers and from Courtney (Chipotle). As for gifts, I got most of the things I wanted, except for the more expensive things. I got baseball game tickets, shoes, a Star Wars Transformer, some Leninade from my brother, a Rilo Kiley T-shirt from my sister and other random things from other people. I got money from my grandparents and got Pet Sounds 30th Anniversary on Vinyl and the 5th season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Overall, a very good week. Thanks to all.

In other news, school is ridiculous. I am having anxiety attacks again and I can't sleep at night. I don't know why. I think it is because I have doubts about the future (again!). This is strange though, because, sometimes I like doubt and its implications. I don't know.

well....

2006-08-21T02:32:00.000-07:00

I return to school in a few hours. OH BOY! I can't wait!

Also, my last night of regular work was tonight and it went out with a whimper. It was pretty shitty and slow the entire night. Thanks goes out to Mr. Lee Bozeman and Ms. Leslie Feist for making my night more listenable.

Changes

2006-08-11T14:39:00.000-07:00

Well, I am accepting the inevitable and quitting work and going to go to school full time and working only occasionally to get cash on the side. What does this mean? A better chance of getting better grades and better opportunities with better focus on school as opposed to a focus on work. I am really excited to actually do this correctly for the first time in my life. I will only be living on grants until I finish school, which I hope is 2 and a half to 3 years from now. I can't wait to be finished. Thanks to all of those I spoke with that encouraged me and to my mom who helped me make my final decision. No thanks to those who never called me back to talk about this.

2006 so far.... (NC Vacation and concerts)

2006-08-06T23:41:00.000-07:00

Damn, it's been along time since I posted anything really worthwhile at all. I know I just got lazy and now I've posted three items in a row. After I finish this one, I probably won't post again for awhile, but we'll see. On we go...

So, since my last post, 2006 has been a very good year for me. I got to go on a great vacation. I've been to 4 concerts. I am getting along better with ALL of my siblings and I have an idea about what I want to do with my future.

Here's what's not going great. Work (too many hours and shitty working conditions), school (I get too stressed out over it) and getting to where I need to be in my life (partly my fault, partly not).

Good things:

My vacation for this year was in North Carolina from May 31st to June 10th. I went to see my friend Matt get married and to visit family I hadn't seen in ten years. The vacation was awesome and my favorite yet. I spent way too much money and planned each day when I got up, but it was still the best vacation. I went to places I had never been to and drove alot of miles (2221) in my rental car. I went to the beach, the mountains, visited my aunt and uncle and cousins in Hickory, I even drove to Tennessee. I visited a lot of my past and hoped to see my future there. Unfortunately I didn't, but if I could still be anywhere, it would be with my family in Hickory. Those are the people I miss the most. The worst part is I only saw the top half of the state, I never went below I-40 at all. Things I definitely loved about my vacation were sweet tea, genuinely nice people, seeing my friends Amy and Mark and their son Bennett, meeting my cousin's wife and getting to know family I really never seen most of my life (even though they were only 3 hours away), having a place to stay every night, getting to see my cousin Jessie and eating lunch with her, going to Tweetsie Railroad, driving on the Blue Ridge Parkway, seeing all my old friends from the church I grew up in, WUNC/NPR, absolute darkness, Sun Drop, Cheerwine, Hurricanes hockey, being able to find a decent cup of coffee, the Asheville Tourists, small towns, Super 8 motels, having a sense of direction, being able to shoot video with my digital camera, Ben Folds' song "Jesusland", The Juan Maclean song "You Can't Have It Both Ways", finding Marshall, NC, and freaking out, Bojangles', Murphy House, finding stacks and stacks of records for sale, eating at Griffins', seeing that the homes of my youth are still standing, being able to find a culture that isn't Southern Redneck, Wright Brothers Memorial, finding a squirrel for my friend Leslie, finding running water from a mountain stream, etc........

There are a few things I didn't like on my vacation. They are almost tripping on people camping in a public area, a culture that is too arty, humidity and the overcrowding of homes without adequate streets to handle the traffic to these homes (most of the roads are two lane, on lane in each direction, where here it would be a five lane road, two in each direction and a turn lane in the middle), and not being able to see Amy and Mark more.

Concerts: Radiohead, Bob Dylan, The Format and Avenged Sevenfold. These four shows were fun in their own way.

Radiohead: First Radiohead show I've ever been too and way worth the price I paid to go. It was in San Diego, so I drove and also spent the day there. Had a great time at the show, which was perfect in every way. Deerhoof was the opener and they were great too. I just wish somebody would have gone with me, especially since I drove back home after the concert and nearly fell asleep during the last 3-4 hours of driving from Yuma to here (dreaming while driving should be illegal). A beautiful bootleg of the show is available at http://www.lders.nl/. Best show since seeing Coldplay last year at Cricket Pavilion.

Bob Dylan: First Dylan show I've ever been too and went only because will I ever see him again? The show was in Sun City West and was electric and amazing. i was very glad I went and saw him live as well. Merle Haggard was also a great opening act.

The Format: The first show (of many I hope) I've ever been to for The Format after promising myself over and over again that I was going to go and see them. This was the show for the Western Tread Showcase and the Galvin Playhouse on ASU's campus and it was acoustic. They played an amazing show and I was so glad I went and plan on going to see them again in the future. The other acts, Monique Full of Grace, Reuben's Accomplice and Jim Adkins (of Jimmy Eat World) were also really good too.

Avenged Sevenfold: I went to this show because I knew I was going to have a good time and for the most part I did. Again, it is the first A7X ahow I went to. It was loud and fun and went with my friend from work and her friends. I mainly went to see Coheed and Cambria, who opened the show with a great set. I was really sore though after the show from the physicality of it, but it was the most fun I've had at a concert in a long time.

Overall, a great year so far. I just need to get my life going and stay going and not get distracted nor should I procrastinate. That is what is causing me these problems in my life.

Congratulations to Matt and Sunna and Jeremy and Samantha. I would also like to thank the Ruppes, the Haynes, the Starrets, Tiffany and John.

Goodbye to my great-grandmother who passed away recently at the age of 91. I'll miss you.

Also, my car now has over 75000 miles on it. It switched over to 70000 while at work.

8 (cont.)

2006-08-06T23:21:00.000-07:00

What was interesting about today though, is it seemed like just a normal day, nothing special. I woke up after 3.5 hours of sleep to go and play D & D over at my friend Jeremy's house. I was supposed to hang out with my friend Courtney, but with her being sick, it didn't happen. So, I just spent the rest of the day at my parents house and played with my nephew, said "Happy Anniversary" to everyone. We then decided to celebrate for dinner and went to Rigatony's. We usually go to Pinnacle Peak, but my sister Melissa was working (at Rigatony's), so we joined her there for dinner and had a good family meal, which hasn't happened in a long while. So, it was just a normal day, it felt, not really anything special, except for the fact that I didn't work. Now, that's special.

8

2006-08-06T22:22:00.000-07:00

8. The number of years I have now lived in AZ. It's been a long time now that I've lived here and still am not really able to call it home, although after my last vacation to my previous home, North Carolina, I was glad to be back. Will I stay here? There are reasons to stay and there are reasons not to. I know I have to weigh these options, but I also would like talk to some people about it, if they would ever call me back.

X-Files

2006-03-03T00:02:00.000-07:00

So I finished watching all nine seasons of the X-Files (including all bonus features) on DVD tonight. After watching the show for nine months, I know feel sad knowing that there is no more show to watch. I always was a fan of the show, but never really ever watched it (I didn't have my own TV and I was living with my parents). I bought all 9 seasons last year at Best Buy when they were on sale for $49.95 a set. I then proceeded to watch all the seasons back to back and I loved them all. The best seasons are 5 and 7 and the best episodes are at the end of season 8 and the final episode for the series and the quirky random episodes that are scattered throughout the seasons (especially the one with Burt Reynolds and the one with Alex Trebek). One of the best shows ever.

Oh My Fucking God

2006-01-23T01:49:00.000-07:00

My house was robbed last night while I was at work. I am still really mad. They only took items that could be resold/pawned (jewelry, electronics). They only took my sister's laptop, her jewelry, her underwear (WTF! disgusting), my iPod, portable CD player, digital camera, portable Minidisc player, backpack (which had my TI 83+ in it), Playstation 1 (and games) and batteries. They left the rest of my room alone and didn't take any of my CDs, DVDs or books at all, which makes me very pleased. They also left handprints on my door's windows which made it easy to lift prints. I hope they get busted and my stuff gets returned. It is covered by insurance though, so I'm not completely out of luck. Oh well. Thanks goes out to Mike who let me talk to him about the situation, I appreciate it.

B+N+2005

2006-01-17T02:05:00.000-07:00

I just realized two things: I didn't do a year-end post for 2005 and I didn't reflect on my experience working at Barnes and Noble for the holidays.

First, Barnes and Noble.

Being well-prepared by reading Customer's Suck daily, I went and applied for a seasonal job in the music department at my local Barnes and Noble. To say the experience went well or that it was exactly what I thought it was going to be like, I would be lying. I hadn't completely forgetten what working in retail meant. It usually means this: long hours, impatient customers, stupid customers, hyperactive managament and sore feet. For the most part, it was exactly like that with little exception, so I was pleased. I was even happier that I was able to pay off a credit card with my earnings from there. And as always, here is my love and hate lists. Much love goes to: Jackie, Aron, Kate and Justin, J. Paul, Danae, Val and employee discount days. Much hate goes to: people who leave shit in random places, people who complain*, hyperactive management policies and techniques, theives, store background music (Eurythmics again?) and Michael. Much questioning goes to Val's husbamd's thoughts**.

*The only real hate I have with people who complain is when people complained about how their part of the music department was too small. This happened twice! The first time I was yelled at for at least 5 minutes while some guy just ranted on and on and on and on about how the classical music section was getting too small for him. I was thinking to myself, that actually it's pretty fucking huge and we carried quite a varied selection. It took up at least 25-35% of the shelf space in the store. I think he just needed to unload on someone and let him know what he thought about it, so I didn't find it to be too big of a problem. The second time, I definitely had a problem. This time it was a lady who, with a righteous attitude, told me our Christian music section needed to be bigger because it was the fastest growing music "genre" in the US. This really made me mad and I told her, "That's why there's Christian bookstores." I said this for two reasons. One, we only carried what would sell, no matter what genre and most of our sales being Classical, New Age, Jazz and Blues, there was not really a reason to exapnd a part of the store just for one customer. (The section only took up maybe 2% of the shelf space.) The second reason goes with the first. Can you take a guess at what our hottest item selling there was? If you guessed Enya (a New Age artist), you guessed right. Our other hot items were James Blunt, Jamie Foxx, and various Christmas CDs. I just couldn't understand why she had to be so uptight about it.

**This is so weird. I saw this guy working in the store. He has tattoos (stars and whatnot), emo style glasses and I thought cool guy, right? WRONG. Dumb guy. I learn he's Val's husband and one day Val was in the music department putting away a CD in the S's and she sees a Britney Spears CD. She then says to me, "My husband think she's hot until she opens her mouth." I start thinking to myself, WTF, is this for real? Apparently it is.

One more story, and this one is tragic. I was working one afternoon with Jackie and doing my normal routine (greeting customers, putting away CDs, etc.) and a guy comes up to me and asks where a particular artist was. The artist, IZ, a Hawaiian artist, was really easy to find and the guy thanked me profusely. I get back to the registers where Jackie was ringing up the man's wife. She is extremely rude throughout the entire transaction to Jackie and says to her, "I am going to be rude because you were rude to me. I hope you have a nice career working in restrooms." I was thinking, WHAT THE FUCK? How could you be that cruel? Jackie then went for a cigarette and my heart stopped and cried.

2005.

What a year full of tragedy, promise, hope and fun.

No love to: Brian Justin Lowe, who is still hated with a passion by some, including myself

Lots of respect to: my Grammy who passed away

Lots of love to these people:

coworkers (new and old, come and gone): Leslie, Claire, Sarah, Jeremy, Aaron, Nick, Mike and Nichole, Jason, Marcin and Kendra Jo, Jackie, Aron, Kate, Justin, and the whole Tempe Rio Salado office staff (+ Mitch)

family (+ Nick and Jessica)

friends (new): Sam, PJ, Adam, Sarah, Ebby, Jackie, Aron

Congratulations to: Adam and Claire, Jeremy and Sam

Thanks also to new things: The Last Broadcast w/ JC, Z Card, Junkie card at Hoodlums, living with my sister

Thanks also goes out to: Professor Joochul Kim, easy classes and teachers and the cool people who work at the places I shop including Kimber at Stinkweeds, who is always running a great store (now 2 stores!)

End

2005-12-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

Today, an important part of this year has ended. My internship at Tempe has come to a close. It is sad and I'll miss being apart of it, but am thankful for the opportunity and experience that was brought to me by it. It was an invaluable resource to me being here. I want to Thank Chris for the opportunity, Nancy for guiding me, Edith for being my office mate, Erika for being a friend, Mitch for being the alternate viewpoint, and the rest for everything else. I especially am grateful for the things I absorbed and learned about other people, especially around the time of my grandmother's death. Again, thanks to all.

60,000 Miles

2005-12-28T00:47:00.001-07:00

Today, Tuesday 11/27/2005, at 11:27 PM, my car hit 60, 000 miles. It happened on the Eastbound to the Southbound 101 ramp while listening to Coldplay's newest song "Sleeping Sun" from there most recent single "Talk". I was lucky enough to see it click over to 60, 000 miles as well. Also, Sun Devils kick ass as I was also at the Insight Bowl and they defeated Rutgers for the win.

Another note

2005-10-21T14:53:00.000-07:00

I am going to try to post my own life in my perspective here soon I hope. Look for it in the coming weeks. In the meantime, check out my Myspace page. Thanks.

Death (Sally, we miss you! ?-10/21/2005 12:00 PM)

2005-10-21T14:45:00.000-07:00

My grandmother died this morning around 9:00 am my time, noon her time. I will miss her deeply and fondly as this is the closest person to die to me ever. Thanks so much to everyone who has offered their words and support for me.

Vacation '05

2005-08-16T16:12:00.000-07:00

Another year, another vacation. This year I took a much needed and well deserved break for my own mental health. i enjoyed the warm and friendly smiles of Holbrook, Arizona (in northeastern Arizona for the unitiated). It was truly an interesting trip full of surprises all throughout. The things I enjoyed are: the nice people, back roads full of twists and turns, interstates, Jim Gray's, fast food, dinosaurs, open vistas, NPR (KNAU 91.7), Winslow, AZ's Goodwill store, rain at 2:00 PM everyday, the Arizona Lottery, Fools Rush In by Bill Carter, Hairlepenos, night, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (saw it twice - only movie in town), 13 Tales From Urban Bohemia by The Dandy Warhols, ALCO stores, the wonderfully polite French family at Four Corners, and the nice people who run the Holbrook KOA. Things I disliked are: sunburn, long distances, almost locking myself out of my car (5 times!), clouds at night, open range, leg cramps, losing my camera while treking through a canyon, inside jokes and the crack in my windshield. Overall, a very excellent trip. Almost as good as last years trip, but better, because it was in Arizona. Thanks to all who helped me along the journey, from the polite hairdresser at Hairlepenos to the nice people at the Seattle's Best in Winslow. Thank you. (Note: I have forgoten how much fun this blogging thing is. I will try to put a few more entries in in a few days.)

Brian You're Fucked Addendum

2005-03-18T04:00:00.000-07:00

I still have a few questions. Why don't you just talk to your wife? Why did you not wear your wedding ring? Why didn't you abstain? If these problems are too big for you, why aren't you talking to someone about it instead of creating more problems? Again, YOU ARE SO FUCKED! So watch out. Talk to me if you see this. Also a blackmail order is in the works and will be presented to you soon. That is a guarantee.

You're Fucked Brian!

2005-03-18T03:52:00.000-07:00

Why are you such a DICK as to let this happen. I thought I would NEVER, EVER see this happen in front of me, you cheating on your wife, my sister. Again, as the title suggests, you're fucked. I will speak as loud as I can if you are not careful. I will tell everyone of your infidelity with some goddamn fucking whore of a woman who claims to be a stripper at Christie's Cabaret. Well she gave you a lapdance like one and looked at you like one and her friends looked like they may be strippers too. I just don't know what to think right now. I know you may be having an argument with my sister, but it does not mean going to a different female you STUPID SON OF A BITCH! All I have to say is WATCH OUT! You may regret living very soon, especially if I talk, because I have an excellent memory that NEVER, EVER FORGETS. If you read this, call me, you know the number. And if anybody knows who this is, call me, I'd love to hear from you.

Failed.

2004-12-07T18:56:00.000-07:00

Well this experiment with going back to school has failed and fallen flat on its face. I am very unsatisfied with myself and how I let myself fail so miserably. I just tend to run away from problems rather than face them and if I can't do it, I NEED to ask for help. I will assess this failure and what steps I need to take next in order to suceed in the future. I just hope I will get a handle on this before next semester comes along.

on hold

2004-09-21T23:00:00.000-07:00

As for now... I am putting this project on hold. I will eventually come back to this later.

New Computer!

2004-09-03T21:47:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is the first post on my new computer that I received on my birthday as well as a digital camera and I hope to be doing a photo blog soon. More later...

A long time between posts

2004-08-17T21:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't been updating this blog because I have been lazy for one and also my computer is now broke and I am getting a new one. I am also starting school on Monday the 23rd. I also have a new job delivering pizzas for Dominos. It is OK for now. But I am desperately seeking a new job immediately, but no one seems to want to work with my schedule. Anyway, I will not make another post until my new computer is on and connected to the Internet and running. In recent news, Wired is too pretentious for their own good. That is all for now.

New Technology

2004-07-26T13:39:00.000-07:00

New technology has effected my life recently. One is the Firefox browser. I recommend everyone to get it. There is another browser with more features, but with ads, the Opera browser. Firefox is better, because you can get full functionality of this site and you can't get that with Opera. Anyway, I still haven't found a job yet and I am absolutely out of money. Time to go and cry to my parents for cash.

End of it All

2004-07-07T00:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday (7/6) was the last day at my job. After two and one-half years, I was terminated (fired) for something that didn’t happen (or that I can recollect happening). I am feeling all of these emotions right now: anger, frustration, humiliation, happiness, sadness, loss, shock and awe. I knew this was coming, as I had this sort of feeling that it would happen since the beginning of the week (Sunday). I know this is crazy, but what I feel happen was a personal attack against me. I know I was responsible for some of what happened, but if I didn’t have the manager that I had, I wouldn’t be here writing this now, that I know for sure. What happened was that I had a customer say I was rude to her and hung up (I didn’t hang up, read below) and she called back and complained about me on Friday (7/2). That’s it. Not I was stealing from the company or I refused to do my job, it was something too simple for me to understand that I got terminated for. Now, this started a while ago, maybe a month or two ago. Now the reason it happened the first time is the same now. Something minor and simple, a customer called back and said I was rude. If I was, I’m sure that is something people can get over, but some people, including my manager, can’t. Now, on that same day that I got written up, I had the most awful person on the phone of all time. This was the rudest human being I had gotten on the phone at that job. First, he humiliated me on the phone and then wanted me to “apologize profusely” for trying to do my job. I had started to get visibly upset with this customer. So, I got my manager, thinking he would help me, but no, all he did was try to say it was all my fault and then my manager states to me that I was the one who was rude somehow. Then, my manager said that “Maybe you should get another job, one that you can use your skills that you have. Because, you obviously don’t have people skills.” Also, my manager also had me sign a warning letter for my “behavior “. This is also because, on the same day, he had another note from a customer saying that I was rude and hung up on him. Now, this warning letter is not to be rude again with customers. How is that possible? I mean, somehow, to someone you will be rude to somebody, not everybody will perceive you as the same. So, I signed the paper and said that I would try my hardest to do my best and I promised my self that I would not only document all problems that I could be written up for, but also I would never, ever hang up a call until the customer said good-bye to me. My manager also said that I would need to get him if I feel that I couldn’t handle the call, or if the customer was being too rude towards me. So, I agreed to that as well. I also left early that day because the customer was so emotionally upsetting to me. Sure enough, I got calls where the people were rude again, but mostly all of these went ok, no problems, no manager needed. Now, also at my job, they have what is called side-by-sides, where the manager sits next to you and listens to calls with you. Now, it happened that he was sitting with me one morning and I took a call and the date that the customer was looking for was unavailable. Now I had done what I had done ever since I started working at my job, I told my customer date was unavailable and to call back. My manager didn’t like that and told me to check my job’s other computer system. The date wasn’t available there either, as I had already known and I told my manager that. He said that I then needed to transfer the call to the service center that does scheduling for the customer’s area. I said OK, I can do that, and I did. So, after that call, my manager said that we were going to have a talk off the floor about this call that I had just taken. I was thinking to myself, “Why?” So, we go off the call floor and my manager says to me, “Why didn’t you do as I asked you?” And I responded to him that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and I couldn’t understand what he trying to tell me, as I was trying to focus on my call. I think it is rather hard for me to be talking to a customer and then be distracted by someone trying to tell you something at the same time and then try to take over the call your on in the middle of a sentence that you are saying to your customer. And I told my manager this, and he responds and calls me insubordinate because I didn’t agree with him on something I said to a customer. Insubordinate? Excuse me, but that I think is totally out of line. This is also why I think that this is more a personal attack against me more than I was doing something wrong, because now my manager had this mindset that I wasn’t going to listen to him no matter what he said to me. So, after he had called me subordinate, that’s when I had enough. I then asked to speak to his manager alone, without him there. So, I go to talk to his manager and explained to her all that I was trying to say. She tried to empathize, but, couldn’t do anything to help at all, which upset me even more. I also was almost terminated at this point as well, had I not talked to his manager first, although she didn’t take sides, which is OK. After this I had that wonderful vacation which I dream about EVERY day just so I can keep the memory of Christel and the times I shared with her alive and fresh. (I miss you everyday.) After I came back, the VERY day I came back, my manager came over and did a side-by-side with me. This one went OK; because he didn’t say anything to me at all the whole time he sat with me, which I was grateful for. Last week though, trouble started brewing again on the home front, as I had another side-by-side with my manager. This time it was not only retarded, but also completely retarded. I was talking to a customer about how to reset their appliance and the customer didn’t understand what I had said the first time, so I changed how I said it to the customer and the customer finally understood what I was saying to her on the third time. Now while this was going on, my manager was telling me to “Try this” while I was telling the customer what she needed to do to get her appliance working again. After this call was finished, my manager asked me, “Why didn’t you tell the customer what I told you to ask her?” I said to my manager, “ Have you not been paying attention for the last five minutes? That is what I told the customer to do. I know how to reset this appliance to get it to work again.” At that he started arguing back at me, at which point I just laid my head down on my desk and tried to think of a way that I can get this person to understand what I am telling him. Now while my head was down, his manager came by and started to reassure me that it was going to be OK. I told her no and that this man is not understanding what I am telling him. Later that afternoon, my manager, his manager and I all sat down and had a long (50 minutes) talk about how we can try to work together. I tried to explain to his manager that I think it is more misunderstanding on both sides than anything else. She seemed to agree, but again said that there wasn’t anymore that she could do. I also said that I think it also may be a personality clash between my manager and me and that I would like to have a different manager. Again, she said nothing could be done. So, I knew at that point I was screwed. Screwed over by my own company, with its managers that don’t seem to offer a lot of help when you need it, nor the right kind of help. Now, there are also a few things to understand about my manager of the time. One, he doesn’t understand, nor can he communicate English very well. I think this is the most important thing to know. Two, his idea of service is bending rules that cannot be bent only to satisfy the customer, even if we are lying to the customer and telling them the wrong thing, especially if it is something that we say to the customer and get in trouble for it, it’s OK, you’re pleasing the customer. That I think is completely wrong and asinine to think of such a thing. Thirdly, he doesn’t have a good known following in the call center among employees. He is a former tech, so he knows a lot, but a poor manager as far as to employees. You mention his name and people groan. I am not lying. No one wants to be on his team. Even my last manager before she left said that she was sorry that I was going to his team. I even know people who quit because he was their manager. Fourthly, and most importantly, everything he said to me was negative and if he wasn’t saying anything to me, he was sighing a lot in such a way like I was a complete idiot, so I definitely did not enjoy he being my manager. So, in saying all of that, today was an eventful day. Lots of rumors spread like wildfire. I felt like I should be on the six o’clock news. I got lots of phone calls from various people hoping I was OK, which I am. I kind of feel like Peter Gibbons in Office Space after going to the hypnotherapist and waking up the next morning not worrying about anything at all. It is kind of reassuring to be able to feel that. I am especially glad to get away from customers for awhile. I don’t know what is my next step yet, but hopefully it will be something that can fit around my school schedule, maybe two part-time jobs, who knows? Wow, I’ve written a lot. Anyway, many thanks go to Joe, Christy, Rich, Marcella, Matthew, Dan, Errol, Aminta, Mike, Nora, Ryan, Ryan B., Priya, Marty, Patty, Lisa, J.P., Don, Kelly, Jessica, Mandy, and many more people I cannot remember at this time. NO THANKS goes to George Macyn, my manager at the time. Now, my life and future is in God’s hands. May He lead me to the correct path of His Will. I pray and entrust myself to Him for direction in this time. Also thanks goes to Radiohead (You and Whose Army?, Karma Police) and Rilo Kiley (Take Offs and Landings) for great music to help me through today.

Thank you for calling XXXXX, my name is Scott, how may I assist you today?

2004-06-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

This is probably the only time I will be writing this at work as somehow the Internet connection has been turned on. (Thanks for the info Brian). Anyway, I know I haven't been doing this blog as often as I would have liked to, but that is because if I was on the Internet every day like I used to, then I find myself on it for 3-4 hours, which is very unhealthy. So, I am now cutting back to 2-3 times a week. So, now my plan is to update this whenever I log on to the Internet at home, not at work. No other news for now, except that sleep has been non-existent in my life and that I am once again the coolest person people don't know about. I also wanted to say thanks to Joe for a good time and adventures and also again to Super Size Me for great entertainment and Lux for excellent tunes and coffee and Radiohead for very excellent music. That is all for now. More later....

Vacation / Thanks

2004-06-09T19:39:00.000-07:00

Well, this last vacation is one for the books. I went everywhere and did a lot. I logged about 2,000 miles on my rental car and got to go to places that most people only dream about. I got to go to Niagra Falls and Toronto and Buffalo, NY. Congratulations are in order to the happy couple I saw got married while I was there. The thank you's are now here. I first want to thank Christel for the dance and coffee, it was fantastic. I would like to dance again someday with you. I also want to thank the Suzuki Motor Company for such a good car that their Aerio is and also including a CD player in your car. Also to Enterprise Rent - A - Car Coporation with unlimited miles that was alotted to the vehicle. Many more thanks are to be handed to Sarah McLachlan's song "Angel" and Pink Floyd's song "Time" and the radio stations that played them at appropriate times (11:50 PM and 12:50 AM, respectively) as these made the Midnight Trip to the Falls even more pleasant and invigorating. Many thanks also goes to Kelsey's in Niagra Falls, Ontario, Canada. Also to the CN Tower in Toronto, as it has confirmed my fear of heights even more. Also, thanks go to the QEW and 100 Km/h. I also want to thank both the groom's parents as well as the bride's parents. I appreciate all of you very much. Thanks for all the homegrown food and hospitality and a roof and a bed that I could sleep in. Many thanks also go to Pastor Mark and also to Vince and Karina for being there too. Also, thanks to Home of the Hits in Buffalo for awesome prices. Thanks also to Spot Coffee and Frank and Teressa's. Finally, my thanks go to the bands listened to on my trip. They are Sufjan Stevens, Rilo Kiley, U2, Loretta Lynn, Deep Dish, Johnny Cash, and Coldplay, especially Rilo Kiley for their first album Takeoffs and Landings and tracks 7 through 11, in that order, as that is probably the best order of songs ever on any musical recording.

Memorial Day

2004-05-31T19:33:00.000-07:00

First, on this day, I would like to say thank you to all the men and women who serve not only for American armed forces, but for anyone, volunteer or not who is enlisted with the armed forces of their country. It takes a lot of sacrifice to do such a thing. In other news, I am enjoying not being at work. It feels so good.

New me 2

2004-05-30T22:53:00.000-07:00

Well the big news is that I shaved my chest of ALL of the hair on it. It took a long time to do. It is worth it though and I feel like a new person. Vacation is almost here. I am almost on my way. I can feel it. Happiness.

New me

2004-05-29T23:49:00.000-07:00

Well today was great. I now have a clean car and I also had a great day with my grandparents and my computer works a whole lot better. I took them driving all over town and we went to MY favorite places. They enjoyed the activities very much, for which I am thankful for. I am also changing myself, just for me and me only. More details tomorrow. Only one more day left of work before vacation. I can't want for work to be over and be on the vacation. Well, now I have to sleep to get to the end of the work day tomorrow. More later...

more computer trouble / Supersize Me

2004-05-29T02:35:00.000-07:00

I tell you what. I am beginning to hate my PC. This post is late because of my keyboard. WTF? Why do I continue to have trouble? I am beginning to hate this. Anyway, I saw an awesome movie, Supersize Me. Good movie, recommend for all to see. Really makes you think. Better, way better than Bowling for Columbine could ever dream to be. The only bad spot is that it kind of drags in some spots, but the overall premise of the film and idea of the film is brilliant as well as how it plays itself out. Gotta get sleep.

Forever!

2004-05-28T01:42:00.000-07:00

Well, I didn't think it would take this long to publish a post. This will read an early morning time, which is correct, as I have been trying to logon to this site for hours. The problem is with a server that my ISP has. (I am only guessing.) So, I picked another server, and now everything is fine. Who knows? So, I really, REALLY wanted to type this as soon as possible, because I saw a great movie called Power Trip. The movie is a documentary about the Republic of Georgia (not the state, but the former Soviet republic) and the attempts to get it modernized as shown through the power company as it converts from a communistic society to a capitalistic one. The film is really great, but I wish more shots were of the city Tblisi, the capital and also the city the film was shot in. It looked like a great city. The film was even more impressive to me and made a great impression to me about social responsibility, which to me is very important. I would love to help those in need, especially in that distressed region of the world. I am thinking more about that now than ever. I don't want to give up going to school just yet though, as I am going to school for a reason and a purpose all its own. I would like to take what I will learn in school and apply it in a place like that though. I think it would be fantastic. The only downfall would probably be working with a corrupt government. Anyways, it is so late. I have to sleep now.

More music

2004-05-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to mention a few more bands. Rilo Kiley, Sufjan Stevens, the White Stripes, and also Eisley. Very awesome music come from these groups as well as those mentioned in an earlier post. Today was another day though. Very boring with very little concentration. I almost fell asleep. I know why. It is because I am too excited for vacation and am ready to go. I can't wait.

Create

2004-05-25T19:23:00.000-07:00

Create. This is the word above this box that I am typing into for this entry. What a great word. It is a word that gives power to do. Anyway, work has been OK. I am just doing it (whatever I do) and not worrying about anything else. And vacation is 6 days away. I am so excited.

I love technology!

2004-05-24T22:22:00.000-07:00

Oh boy, do I love technology today. At least I enjoy Opera 7.50 web browser and My MSN features and RSS newsfeeds directly in my browser and Shockwave's Flash technology. It is great, especially when it all comes together in a great browser. Thanks Opera. More good news, in a week, I'm on vacation. More later...

One more week

2004-05-23T22:19:00.000-07:00

As of tomorrow, I have one more week until I am on my vacation. I am so excited to go. I really need the time off of my retarded job and away from my retarded manager, who I cannot stand at all. And who I get to see tommorrow, as he gets back from his vacation. I don't feel like going at all. Oh boy. Time to clean.

I've been thinkin....

2004-05-22T20:09:00.000-07:00

You've been thinkin? Yeah. I've been thinkin. Today was interesting, as usual. I saw Kill Bill Vol. 2. It was really good, especially the explanation of Superman to Clark Kent, plus the movie was just amazing, full of twists that I had no idea would happen, plus great filming, great directing, great camera angles, great coloring, just good, way better than the first for sure. Tomorrow is another day as well, full of surprises and I'm ready to face the challenge of its offerings. Also, Travis (the band from Scotland) is super good live on DVD.

One week

2004-05-21T22:09:00.000-07:00

Wow! It was one week ago yesterday that I first started this blog. Very interesting. Even more interesting is the fact that I've made time to do this everyday, as this will continue in the future. I am still thinking about creating two more blogs in the near future. But, i gotta say this is really neat.

American Yuck

2004-05-20T22:49:00.000-07:00

I just want to go on record and say that I have now officially watched American Idol and I've got a question. Is it REALLY worth it? I don't think so at all. There is plenty better and not just talent-wise. I mean all the songs are crap and everything is based only on voice and showmanship? What happened to the music? Cover songs? Ridiculous if you ask me. I prefer true talent over made-up so-called talent that these people are voted for. I just can't stand it. It literally depresses me. But I do get over the state of mainstream American music by listening to true music. Music that of couse may not be American, but it's a whole hell of a lot better. Thanks tonight goes to Travis (Scottish), Coldplay (British), Radiohead (British), U2 (Irish), The Beatles (British), Sigur Ros (Icelandic), The Cranberries (Irish), Blur (British), and Bjork (Icelandic) as the true artists that deserve record sales and greatness throughout the world. Of course, I cannot sign off with out mentioning the American geniuses as well. Thanks also go to Starflyer 59, Viva Voce, Damien Jurado, Soul-Junk, Danielson, Pedro The Lion, Denali, Sixpence None The Richer, Switchfoot, Moby, Sleater-Kinney, Liars, Rasputina, and all the others I am bound to forget and not name. You artists are the best.

Welcome to the Modern Age Europe!

2004-05-19T21:57:00.000-07:00

Today's news, which is very good, is that GM (genetically modified) food is now being accepted in Europe as they have lifted their self-imposed moratorium against GM food. This is great news as Europe is finally moving into the modern age. Also big thanks and congratulations go to Randy Johnson on his PERFECT GAME. Only a TRUE ballplayer can achieve such greatness. Now go win some more. Thanks again Randy.

Missing

2004-05-18T23:11:00.000-07:00

Today I am missing backwood creeks and forests and green grass and deer and mountains with stands of pine in them and dogwoods and the beauty of another place.

Jack White is awesome!

2004-05-17T19:09:00.000-07:00

I gotta hand it to Jack White. Again he can pull off another amazing album. But this time it is not his! The album I'm talking about is the new Loretta Lynn album "Van Lear Rose". Just an amazing achievement in music for both Loretta and Jack. This is an absolutely brilliant album full of great songs . Very worth the time to take and listen too. It is too good for words. Anyway, Mondays, ugh. Mondays with no sleep, even worse. But my new Loretta Lynn CD made up for that. Thanks again do go to Jack White and Loretta Lynn for an excellent day.

Outrage

2004-05-16T21:21:00.000-07:00

Today I am outraged at stupid people and their stupid ways. I wish people could look at the global perspective and not focus on themselves. I wish people would have half a mind to get outside of themselves and do something that has an impact. I could go on and on but I think the point is made. In other news, I am ready to go on my vacation that is coming up. I get to go to Toronto. I am really excited.

5/15/04

2004-05-15T20:24:00.000-07:00

Wow, another day has past. Good news is that I finally have a couch in my living room. I've been looking for one for almost three months. Thank God for friends that have furniture to give away. Anyway, this whole blogging thing is still kinda neat. It's kinda hard to come up with material though. I might be writing a novel in my next blog. Kinda like a serial novel. Just an idea. Well, we'll see...

Yea! I'm finally going back to school.

2004-05-14T22:04:00.000-07:00

That's right. I passed my math placement test (with a little help from my friends). Now, I can finally get the classes I need and want for this coming fall semester. No other news for now.

First Post / RIAA is wrong

2004-05-13T23:42:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my first post ever on a blog. This is more for me than for anyone else and the content will be different everyday. This is to me to be a journal of my life that will exist here for me to look back upon and see just what the hell I was thinking at the time. I know I will enjoy this. Topic for the day: RIAA. THEY ARE NOT LOSING MONEY!!! I repeat, THEY ARE NOT LOSING MONEY. According to an article at ArsTechnica (http://arstechnica.com/news/posts/1084492882.html) and also Kensei News (http://www.kensei-news.com/bizdev/publish/factoids_us/article_23374.shtml) the RIAA is making money, they just aren't shipping enough to stores like they used to, yet they still report a loss. Only in units shipped. This I believe is wrong. And this also closes my first blog.